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Helpful Hints for the Superior Spider-Man
So, Spider-Man is Doctor Octopus.
Or Doctor Octopus is now Spider-Man.
However you want to frame it, Otto Octavius – I like to call Doc Ock like he’s an old pal – is now in the body of Peter Parker. He’s now web-slingin’ and spider-sensing and, apparently, trying not to do things such as kill the Black Cat or overrun New York with Octobots.
He has urges he must control.
To help him (and his writers, I guess) to that end, we’ve come up with a list of things Doc Ock should try to avoid doing now that he’s, ya know, switched from supervillain to superhero.
Marrying Aunt May: Bad idea. He now looks and sounds like Peter Parker, but he should remember that he should also behave like him. Trying to marry Doc Ock’s old flame may be easier as a younger man, but it still looks like a guy trying to get with his old (seriously, very old) aunt. That is some kind of mega-creepy.
As some of the astute Spider-fans in the audience may recall, Dr. Octavius once tried to marry Aunt May in secret in Amazing Spider-Man #131. (It didn’t even seem to be a kidnapping situation. I think Aunt May was into it. So weird. Gerry Conway, who co-created the Punisher and killed Gwen Stacy, wrote this issue, which I would not call a career highlight.)
Reform the Sinister Six: Octopus originally formed the Sinister Six with the express intent of defeating Spider-Man. (Does anyone else think villians that are out to get a superhero are much, much sillier than villains out for personal gain?). Anyway, this may seem obvious, but forming a villainous group to defeat onself is a bit backwards.
Wear Sunglasses: It was a standard Doc Ock fashion accessory, but they’d just look silly with Spidey’s tights.
Stab the Black Cat: Last time he did that, Spider-Man beat him nearly to death and he became afraid of spiders. If he went after Black Cat again, it might trigger his arachnophobia and then we’d have a really strange, unreadable issue of Spider-Man on our hands.
Get Chubby: For all but part of his existence, Doc Ock has been a portly fellow. (Marvel’s wiki page lists him as 5’9″ and 245 lbs.) If he packs on some pounds again, it’s going to be hard to swing around the city, much less do battle in the acrobatic style Spidey’s accustomed to.
Create Psychotic Plans: Be it Octobots, bioengineering an evil Spider-Woman or attempting to create an army through special prosthetic limbs, Octavius has some plans that go solidly in the “wacko supervillains” category. Heroes have a simpler job: Save the day. Determination, timing and skill are more likely to help him in his new line of work. Building a set of spider-like prosthetics will probably not help (though I bet some writer will try that).
By night, Kevin Coffey fights crime as a masked vigilante. By day, he’s the music critic for the Omaha World-Herald, a comic book guy, interviewer of famous people and husband. His interests include Dungeons & Dragons, pancakes, the Muppets and making snide comments during movies (his wife has asked that he stop, but he refuses). Read his observations on music and flapjacks on Twitter (@owhmusicguy), music reviews and previews at Omaha.com, and bloggy stuff at his blog, Rock Candy.
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