Hello fellow NerdTV nerds!  If you’re like me, you were in the hospital over the last week with a nigh fatal case of Arrow: The Watchening.  It’s true.  Apparently, small particles of Arrow can build up in the blood stream and can cause dry mouth, restless leg syndrome, purple diarrhea (I know, you’d think green), and insomnia.  The only cure is to read Mike Grell’s The Longbow Hunters and purge the harmful Arrow particles from the blood and replace them with brown Arrow particles (again, not Green, weird.).  Anyway, my blood is clean and my mind is fresh, time to flush that down the toilet by watching yet another episode of ARROW…

The most unprofessional armored car drivers in history.  So unprofessional they’re dead; driven from the car by a masked man (or woman) wielding a grenade launcher.  Clearly this masked criminal is meant to be this show’s interpretation of the classic DC Villain: The Ultra-Humanite.

Speedy is dropping hints that she wants a car.  Oliver got one for his 18th birthday!  Yes, but Oliver was a womanizer, you are a drunk, a 17 year old drunk.  Yada yada yada, the Mom is acting erratic, but that’s all explained away by the fact that her husband (no, not Oliver’s dad, the other one…*looks around and whispers* the black one) has disappeared.  Then some nonsense on the TV about how the police aren’t talking about the armored car robberies but Look! They have the most recent one on tape, then they show a grainy version of what we just watched, uh, thanks for the recap, I guess.

One handed push-em-ups, strong Oliver is strong.  The Arrow Cave!  Woo hoo!  Wait, the guys who robbed the armored car use advanced Marine tactics, which means they aren’t the Ultra Humanite, they can only be…the Shaggy Man!  All kidding aside, the ostensible leader of the armored car robbers is a soldier who saved Diggle’s life AND who happens to be in Oliver’s book of revenge.  Do I smell conflict?

Island Oliver, ho ho ho, now he has a machine gun.  He’s dressed like an island guard and sneaking all around…why is everyone wearing ski-masks at lunch?  It can’t be that cold, I can’t see anyone’s breath.  Is it a plot device so that Oliver can remain in disguise?  Maybeeeeee.

Tommy is having it out with his father; it bothers me that his evil dad is Captain Jack Harkness.  I know John Barrowman has to eat, but still.

Don’t be fooled, those ‘knock-out’ darts are filled with black widow venom.  Diggle!  What are you doing?  Injecting an ounce of suspense into the show?  For shame.

That computer monitor blew up with WAY too much fire and smoke.  Perhaps Oliver should murder the manufacturer.

Diggle and Oliver are having it out.  He can’t accept that his former commanding officer is corrupt and now, he’s going to prove it damnit.

Back to the island: Oliver’s not going to fall for your sneaky submarine riddle, bad guy, everyone knows you don’t transport troops via submarines, you use skull shaped hover fortresses.

Whenever Speedy talks, it sounds like she says everything with an extra ‘s’.  “I shought you said we were schpending the sday togeser.”

STOP EATING AT ‘BELLY BURGER’.  It is annoying.  And the specialty of the house at Belly Burger isn’t a burger?  What.  The.  Hell.

Oh, Thea, you stupid, stupid, drunk.  Your mom isn’t hooking up with Tommy’s dad; she’s planning to murder a business rival.  I understand your confusion.  Both acts are extremely messy.

Oliver just comes right out and confronts the mom.  No hemming, or hawing, slinking around.  I think the last metaphor you should use when describing Oliver’s dad is ‘Walking on water.’  Get it?  Cause the boat sank!  Ha ha!  Mrs. Queen, your mole twitches when you lie.

Oops, guess Oliver’s disguise didn’t get the job done.

Ugh, this Arrow/Nerdypenny thing again.  I thought were we done with that.  Though, I’d rather see Oliver end up with her than Laurel.

John Barrowman has an invisible moustache that he is forever twirling.

Arrow did some cool acrobatics, shot a gas mask off a dudes face, and used a garbage can lid to deflect a tear gas grenade that not 30 minutes ago punched a hole through an armored truck’s windshield.  Call me crazy, but if than is a rocket-propelled grenade, it probably would propel itself straight through that garbage can lid and bury deep in Oliver’s sternum.  If you don’t think so, then ask yourself this question, would you rather be behind bulletproof glass or a bent up old garbage can lid off the sidewalk.

Thea’s birthday part is a lightstick rave AND she got her convertible.  If this is a normal Oliver Queen party, at some point he’ll stop the music and start giving a speech.  Uh oh, every time Thea sees Moira and Mr. Merlin, he’s touching her butt or something.  This sends Thea off to do some drugs, god help me if she really does become Arrow’s Schidekicks.

OOOH, Diggle was wrong!  I feel this is vaguely racist also that it only reinforces Oliver’s madness that every name in his book is pure evil.  How else do you explain him killing a guy who sold defective smoke detectors but the explosive computer monitor manufacturer goes unpunished.

Okay, so maybe the Blackhawk security force isn’t The Ultra-Humanite or The Shaggy Man, the guy says they’re conquerors, so I guess Vandal Savage?

Let’s give the guy who’s trying to stop us a grenade launcher, I’m sure nothing bad will come of this.  HEY!  HE SHOT A GRENADE AT US!  WHAT THE HELL?!  Shot through the heart, and Arrow’s to blame, Diggle you give sidekicks, a bad name.   Oh man, Thea crashed the car, they’re going to have to amputate her arm and give her a cybernetic one.

Scho, Scthea’s sin sthe Shospital.  Schgo saway, she schays.

OMG!  Tommy’s dad has a ‘Merlin’ costume!

The rest of the episode features the usual wrap up nonsense.  I was wrong, no I was wrong.  Trust is important.  My time on the island etc. etc.

The twists just keep on twisting, they’ve twisted so much they’ve gone back to straight.  Oliver’s helper on the island, he’s working with the bad guys!  WHAT?

Next week: drug dealers are bad.

David DeMarco is Joe Patrick’s boss at Legend Comics & Coffee.  He is able to write this column because Joe Patrick does all the hard work at the shop, while Dave drinks coffee and goofs around.  This is an arrangement that is acceptable to Dave.