Star Trek Into DarknessThis blog is going to have a ton of Star Trek: Into Darkness spoilers, so if you don’t want to be spoiled, CEASE! You have been warned; proceed with caution.

On Sunday, my husband, brother, mom, step-dad and I all went and saw Star Trek: Into Darkness. My parents were in town visiting from D.C. this weekend. Due to rain and the persistence of my husband, he somehow convinced us all to go see this on a rainy afternoon. Also, it helps that the movie theater has beers…giant ass beers.

My parents and brother have no interest in Star Trek, nor do I. I’ve never watched the TV show or seen any of the old movies. I did see the last Star Trek movie – “the prequel” – and I enjoyed it. I don’t remember too much, but I found it humorous and easy to sit through. I don’t even think I had a drink during the movie.  Huh…that’s unusual for me.

The one thing I do remember is new Spock being able to go and visit with old Spock (Leonard Nimoy’s Spock, the OG), though Old Spock couldn’t tell new Spock certain things that could influence how new Spock makes choices or something like that. My brain hurts just thinking about it. I seriously have no idea why and how this happened. First spoiler alert: IT HAPPENS AGAIN IN THIS MOVIE! That shit wrinkles my mind grapes! Why does he keep talking to himself if future Spock can’t help current Spock AND how is he able to talk to future him in the first place?! Oh my hell, I need a drink.

The previews began and I turned to mom to warn her that she would probably hear lots of giggles caused by humor and nerdy delight. The nerdy delight began early. during the previews, my husband’s nerdness (is that a word? It is now, BOOM) crept out. At the end of the Superman preview – seriously, how many damn times can we remake this movie?! (Oh shit, I really hope they have Russell Crowe, who plays Superman’s dad, break out into song a la Les Mis. I. WOULD. DIE.) – my husband turned to me and pointed to his barely existing arm hair. “Look: goose bumps.” I had no comment.

Two minutes into the movie – scratch that – two SECONDS into the movie, Capt. Kirk and Dr. Bones are being chased by native people on some far off planet (obviously…) and my husband already was giggling. Like, full on Ron Swanson giggle.

When the mysterious villain first appears, and the audience is shown that his blood can save wee lil’ sick English lads, my husband smugly said “Babes, he is genetically altered.”

“So what does that mean?” I whispered.

He replied, “I’m not going to explain it, you have to watch.”

I took that to mean “I have no %&[email protected] clue and don’t always know EVERYTHING like I pretend to.” Sorry about that tangent there, but sometimes it’s exhausting being married to a real life Charlie Day who believes he is also a member of Mensa.

There was a brief moment of silence from my husband and then I heard a faint “Yes! Awesome!” I turned to see what he could possibly be super-excited about. It was just a scene of the Captains and 1st mates (1st chairs? whatever they call them in Star Fleet) and their leader. Well, it turns out the giggling was for the actor that played Admiral Marcus. Apparently, it was Peter Weller, who, I was informed, played Robocop. How did I NOT know that?! Le sigh.

Next, he said they were going to Kronos, to which I replied, “I’m sorry where?” “Where the Klingons live, Babes…” Obviously….

When Kirk and the gang finally capture John Harrison – aka the most English named gent to ever grace the world, Benedict Cumberbatch, my husband, under his breath, said “he’s Khan.” When Cumberbatch finally revealed his real name – Khan, my husband had a fit.

Remember that SNL skit, “I’m 50…I like to kick, stretch and KICK…?” Well, he did all of that in his seat! There was air punching, legs shooting up into the air, clapping… You guys, it was INTENSE. To cap it all off, he turned to me, threw up his middle finger, and whisper-yelled “%*#$ you, Meatloaf! I told you he was Khan.” My brother and I looked at each other and shook our heads in disbelief (my mom would’ve turned at this point too, but she decided to nap. #YOLO). I also checked to see if Meatloaf was secretly hiding in the theater because that %*#$ you was HELLA random.

Anyhow, there were plenty of explosions and passed Junior Mints to keep me occupied (FYI: Junior Mints and Fat Tire do NOT complement each other). Finally, the end was near, or so I thought.

The Enterprise had been damaged very badly and had lost all power. So, Kirk went into this radiation chamber to turn the ship’s power back on, save the crew, and prevent the Enterprise from crashing. You know, because he’s a hero and all that jazz.

Apparently, in the second Star Trek movie – Wrath of Khan, Spock has this task. Role reversal…what a twist!

Following Kirk getting his radiation on and saving the crew, he was in the chamber dying and his BFF Spock came to have a moment with him. My favorite part of the scene was when – through the glass – they throw up matching gang signs (live long and prosper signs) to each other and their hands “touch.” I was very surprised that I didn’t hear sniffles coming from next to me. Instead, my husband released the beast when Spock lets out a “KHANNNNN!” holler. Shit got real! There were giggles and an air-clap-punch combo.

“Huh,” I thought, “what a way to end the movie.” Well played, JJ Abrams, well played. But OH no, it was not over. It pulled a god damn Lord of The Rings III move…just when you think the movie is over it tricks you and ends another three times AT LEAST.

To speed things along here, after some more fights and stuff, Dr. Bones uses Khan’s blood to bring back Kirk. Again, I was informed by my husband that in the previous movie version, Spock does get brought back to life on some planet called Genesis (I think that’s what my husband was telling me, but he was reciting a novel to me during a movie, soooo my listening skills might not have been too on point.) Speaking of Genesis, remember this jam?

In conclusion…FINALLY, my husband really wanted me to point out how he was able to call out what was going to happen before it happened in this movie. In fact, I believe he said “did you notice how I was always one step ahead of the movie?” It’s like he’s the %&#^ing Long Island Medium or some shit.

And scene.

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Kacie Baum is a professional partier, mother of two pugs, and the wife of Matt Baum. She tolerates the constant presence of the Two-Headed Nerd in her home each week. She did not write this bio. Pre-THN entries of Girl Meets Nerd can be found here.