As I sat on my couch watching watching the NBA finals, hearing Shaq call Charles Barkley a “buttface”, eating Nutella out of the jar (ugh, it’s not even real Nutella, it’s fake Hy-Vee “Milk Chocolate Hazelnut Spread”), and trying to come up with something to write this damn blog about, I’ve got nothing.When I got up to go turn off the music coming from my husband’s computer, it hit me.
Side: So, last week I was crazy sick (suck it, ovaries) and couldn’t stand to eat anything. Once again, I was on my couch, but instead of eating Nutella out of a jar, I found myself eating raw honey out of one. You guys, that was some Winnie the Pooh shit. End side.
You see, sitting on the floor in our office, the same where Matt records the wildly entertaining Two-Headed Nerd Comicast, is what appears to be a topless dresser of sorts. The custom-made craftsmanship is top notch, but what could it possibly be you ask? Well, my husband has decided he is getting a large-ass fish tank and topless dresser is the tank’s stand (resting place, whatever). Now- my husband has been talking up this fish-tank-in-the-office dream for a few months. He even threw a ton of my clothes away (RUDE) and invaded my dressers in the bedroom with his items to make room for this tank. Also, did I mention its a two level tank? Obviously…because the bottom tank will have clams, shrimp and cherry tomatoes. I mean, what else would it have?
Anyhow, since he has been talking about this dream for months and there is still neither fish nor tank, it made me remember two more of my husband’s dreams.
Up first, the Koi Pond aka the big ass hole in our backyard. This was a project my husband decided that he was going to do one afternoon shortly after we bought our house. I came home from work one day and found him, the Pugs, our neighbor’s now ex-husband, and another friend of my husband’s in the backyard. My husband was knee deep in a hole he had dug in an area near the side of our patio. I looked at this situation and asked what the hell was going on. He replied, “I’m digging a Koi pond, abes. The pugs will love it.” My husband had such a grandiose plan for this pond, and wanted it so badly, that after this first day of digging, he never touched it again. I did, however, make him refill the hole with dirt, and now it’s just a large spot of dirt that the Pugs like to play in because they’re bad dogs.
Second, Toad Town. I just…I mean…no words for this one. Here goes…once again, my husband had this great idea that he would build a town for toads to live in – hence, Toad Town – next to our air conditioning unit, across from our garden. You see, the toads would be there to help keep bugs away from the garden. I guess if they saw a bug the toads would hop the shit over to the garden, jump the garden fence, and attack the shit out of said bug. Hence, no more bugs eating our leafy greens, y’all. Well this time, making Toad Town actually enhanced the area instead of leaving a giant hole, a la Koi pond that never was. I was against Toad Town from Day One. First off, those damn toads weren’t going to survive Beeps Baum. That pug is indestructible. True story, he once ate seven water balloons (don’t ask) and lived to eat another day. Another time, he ate an entire snake from our backyard, only to vomit it up later ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR. He is the cutest, yet grossest, little monster ever and I love him. But I digress, back to Toad Town.
Anyway, like the Koi pond, my husband worked really hard for a day. The area around the air conditioner is top notch, and for some reason (I like to believe I bitched enough to stop this, but I feel he grew bored or, you know got distracted by Superman or something), just like before, the dream was over.
This brings us back to the fish tank. He has visions of laying on a bean bag with Beeps, just staring for hours at the fish tank once it’s finally here and put together. I will say that I don’t have that many objections to this dream, as it’s not a dumb ass idea (TOAD TOWN, YOU GUYS), but I’m taking bets on how long it takes for this dream to become a reality. I say that by September there may be a tank, but still no fish… You?
Kacie Baum is a professional partier, mother of two pugs, and the wife of Matt Baum. She tolerates the constant presence of the Two-Headed Nerd in her home each week. She did not write this bio. Pre-THN entries of Girl Meets Nerd can be found here.