For whatever reason, Part One of my Game of Thrones recap never was posted. So I think you are getting this, Part Two, three weeks after the season finale and thus, this is no longer timely. But since I wrote a two-parter, you have to deal with it and read this super untimely blog and blame the Two-Headed Nerd, because let’s not lie, that’s everyone’s favorite thing to do.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: Part One of Kacie’s Game of Thrones recap did indeed get posted. In fact, you can read it HERE. We won’t dwell on the fact that it came in two days late and that proofreading it nearly broke our new copy editor Shasta…)
Let us continue with the Lannisters…
CERSEI – She pretty much spent the entire season making the best “I’ll cut a bitch” face I’ve ever seen. It was really on display when she and Margaery (Joffrey’s future wife, who’s much smarter than she appears) had a little “heart to heart” right before Sansa and Tyrion’s wedding. Also, like Stannis, it seemed she never left her house at all this year. Cersei ended the season super depressed in her room missing Jaime (who FINALLY made it back to King’s Landing and to Cersei), remembering that her monster of a son Joffrey was once a sweet baby and how she is being forced to marry Margaery’s gay brother Loras. She’s probably more miserable than Sansa.
JOFFREY – I’m pretty sure if there were a devil, Joffrey would be it in human form. This kid is %&#*ed up. The only things that seem to turn him on are murder and fingering his crossbow. Tywin, his grandfather, had two run-ins with him this season basically letting Joffrey know that just because he is the King, technically doesn’t mean that he is the King (i.e. Tywin is the puppet master here). Joffrey is now marrying Margaery, so Sansa is off the hook, but have no fret, he still likes to make her life miserable, because you know, HE’S THE DEVIL. The only smart thing Joffrey did all season was ask the question, what if the Dragons are real, and what if they are a threat? FINALLY someone asks about the dragons, too bad it was Joffrey and Tywin dismissed his ass. This should (fingers crossed) come back and haunt him.
TYRION – A hustler’s work is never through. Man, Tyrion is always hustling or getting drunk. His father forced him to marry Sansa and still gave away his claim to the north. His lady Shae is trying to be paid off to leave King’s Landing and his new young drinking buddy can’t keep up. Tyrion is due for some revenge on his father, and I’m looking forward to seeing how this plays out next year.
TYWIN – The eldest Lannister seems to be the one in charge of EVERYTHING! Joffrey can protest that he’s the king, but let’s not lie: Tywin is pulling all the strings. From causing his kids to marry Sansa and Loras to orchestrating Robb Stark’s murder, this dude is still pure evil. So to wrap up this season, he is just as terrifying as he was last season. I pick him for dying next season: He’s too evil to live much longer in my opinion. Or he ends up getting it on with Olenna Tyrell, the retirement-age audience of this show would get off on that fo’ sho’.
KINGSLAYER AKA JAMIE – Loses a hand and fights a bear. That is all you need to know, because he is boss. Oh, yeah, I guess finally making it back to his home with Brienne in tow (holla!) will prove interesting next season. We will end with the rest of the lot, just because, well they’re the ones left.
KHALESSI AKA DAENARYS TARGARYEN AKA MOTHER OF DRAGONS AKA LONGEST NAME EVER – I’m sorry. After typing her name, I feel asleep from boredom, just like her story. Thank god for the dragons, though. They finally gave her something to do, and it was badass when she used that shit to her advantage. Girl Power! She also finally secured an army, has some boats, and has a hot dude (Dario) around to look at instead of always getting creepy perv stares from Jorah. I will say, Khalessi has really put Jorah in the ultimate friend zone this season. She’s made it pretty apparent to everyone that she is not into him like that. I’m really glad her story has picked up and she’s finally doing something. Now all she needs to do is get into the game. I want to see her and Tyrion throw down.
THEON – Damn, shit’s been rough for Theon. Not my favorite story line, but at least they finally explained who the creepy torturer was (the bastard son of Roose Bolton, Ramsey Snow, duh) and why he was keeping Theon alive … for now. The scene with the two girls that Ramsey Snow had tease Theon was BRUTAL. Even more brutal was the dick in a box. Oh yes, Theon is now without a penis, has a new name — Reek — and finally has someone actually coming to try to save his ass. Granted, it’s the sister he felt up last season, but hey, in his defense, he didn’t know, but she did. (Speaking of sisters, in real life the actor that plays Theon, Alfie Allen, is singer Lily Allen’s brother.) God, Theon is #*$&ed.
STANNIS – Stannis managed to pretty much stay in the same damn room all season long. He tried to sentence his right hand man to death for freeing Gendry (Robert Baratheon’s bastard son and maybe Arya’s future dude. How old is he, because Arya is like 11?!), because Melisandre has his dick in her hand and is guiding him along. These scenes with Stannis are so boring I don’t even want to write about them. All he #&*ing does is yell, stare at Melisandre and sentence his friend to death or a dungeon, and repeat. Thankfully things seem to be headed in an interesting direction and — gasp! — he finally @#*$ing is getting out of his cave and going to the wall to join the Night Watch to fight what I presume to be the “ice” in the song of fire and ice, aka the white walkers. Although, at one point, I thought Jon snow was the ice, so I’m probably zero for two in theories on this shit.
And there you have it: A two-part Season Three wrap-up of Game of Thrones. I can’t believe we have to wait 10 months for this show. That’s just criminal. Next week, you will again get a super untimely blog about how I played Dungeons & Dragons with my husband this past Friday. Enjoy!
(EDITOR’S NOTE: **sigh**)
Kacie Baum is a professional partier, mother of two pugs, and the wife of Matt Baum. She tolerates the constant presence of the Two-Headed Nerd in her home each week. She did not write this bio. Pre-THN entries of Girl Meets Nerd can be found here.