It’s the most wonderful time of the year, according to every song ever sung about Christmas. Along with the endless carols, come a handful of Christmas movies. Probably my most favorite holiday film is White Christmas, followed closely by Love Actually, because, well, duh.
Though, if I had to pick just one to talk about in my blog, it has to be my love: Home Alone (the OG of the series, and let’s be honest: 3 and 4 don’t even count) and its far superior sequel, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. You guys thought I was obsessed with National Treasure and having to watch that shit show every time it was on TV … this is ten billion times worse. I actually watched back-to-back viewings of Home Alone 2 last night. NO REGRETS!
- Teaching you how to murder since 1990. Numerous bricks to the head, falling off staircases laced with ice, flames to the head (twice I might add), nail in the foot, slamming into the side of a brick house, dropping from a rope on fire from the roof of another house, iron to face, falling off a ladder, being hit in the head with numerous paint cans … HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD?! Not only does Kevin “defend” his house and Christmas, but he is a serial killer in the making. I mean, he is relentless in the CIA torture techniques (if made up by an 8-year-old) that he imposes on the bandits. These are not some minor things (like getting shot in the crotch with a bb gun). The shit he pulls is full-out attempted murder. Something all children should learn because murder is funny, you guys.
- Duncan’s Toy Chest. I remember going to toy stores when I was younger, and let me tell you … this magical world of Duncan’s doesn’t exist in real life! Every toy store in real life is bleak, dirty, filled with unhappy employees and, during Christmas time, marks up all the popular toys. There are no Christmas lights strung throughout, large Christmas trees all over the place or stuffed elves riding life-sized unicorns, because if there were, I want to go to there forever, ever, forever, ever! Finally, during the holiday season, you want me to believe 204-year-old Mr. Duncan himself is manning the old-timey cash register (obviously it would be old timey) and there isn’t a line of angry parents ignoring their screaming kids? I don’t think so. To top this magical toy-store-of-my-dreams off, Mr. Duncan then donates his Christmas Eve earnings to a children’s hospital and gives young Kevin a sweet ornament. It’s too much joy overload for me. Also, if y’all know what’s good for you, one of these bad boys best be gifted to me this Christmas.
- Old creeper with a heart of gold in the OG and in the sequel, (wait … is that a dead pigeon on her shoulder?!) old creeper with a heart of gold part two. These movies have Kevin encountering a creepy old neighbor and a homeless stranger (hello, stranger danger anyone?!) who at first appear to be serious creepers. But, oh what a twist, turns out they are the nicest people in the entire world with a sob story of why they are who they are. And with that new information, Kevin now has two new BFFs. Side note: Homeless people do NOT like you going up to them asking them to be your turtle dove. Just remember that for next time you attempt that in Central Park. The movie is kind of misleading. End side.
- Little Moe with the gimpy leg… This whole scene is EVERYTHING. It’s basically a repeat of the foolery he pulled in the OG Home Alone with the Pizza dude and then again with Marv. But this time smooching is involved, and let’s be honest, you all would totally smooch on Cliff.
- “Wake up, it’s Christmas!” yells McCallister cousin Fuller, who is notorious for drinking too much soda and peeing the bed. When he awakes in the hotel in New York yelling at the family to get up whilst jumping up and down and running around, I feel this scene would be 110% more effective if he did so while spraying urine on them all. Not sure why I find this humorous, but I do, and laughed about it for at least 20 minutes last night. Also, he would do so hands free – those bad boys would be behind his head as he jumps around spraying them all with Christmas cheer.
- The bad guys Marv (Daniel Stern) and Harry (Joe Pesci). Robert De Niro was apparently offered the Joe Pesci role of Harry in the movies. He declined. Do you think current De Niro would decline such an offer? If you do, let me remind you that in the last 10 years, this man has made the following movies: The Big Wedding, Grudge Match, Little Fockers and New Year’s Eve. Shall I go on? Anyhoo … I understand Stern and Pesci coming around for the first installment of Home Alone. I mean, who would’ve thought it would be a massive hit? But to basically come back after City Slickers and My Cousin Vinny, it’s not that they really needed too, but they did. This time, the Wet Bandits — as they were previously known — reinvented themselves as the Sticky Bandits. This is much smarter. Covering your hand in tape or another sticky product, then using the sticky hand to grab an item is actually quite clever. Well played, Marv, well played. Though you would think that after one go around with Kevin, the next time they see him, they wouldn’t waste their time chasing his ass around the city and then once again enter his house of horrors, but would instead shoot the little #@$%er. They HAVE A GUN this entire time (in the sequel), and not once do they think to use it until it is covered in green and brown goop from the foolery of the fun house?! They fail as criminals and deserve all the electrocution, burning, brick-to-the-head, paint-can-to-the-head, and nail-in-the-foot torture they endured.
- Suck Brick. That might be my new phrase this holiday season, all thanks to Marv when he hurls a brick off a townhome at Kevin’s head. Trying to kill him. This is a kid’s movie, I repeat, THIS IS A KID’S MOVIE. Let me give you two examples of how this phrase works. It really does apply to everyday situations.
- My husband: Babes, take a god damn shower.
Me: NEVER! You and my filth can suck brick.
- Troll under a bridge: ASDHGUHWEGUIHASDGHUD, AIDGHUIWEHGTUSAGTHS, TROOOOOLLLLLLLLLL.
Me: Troll, just eat a goat and suck brick, okay?
In conclusion, this family needs to stop taking trips over Christmas. I mean, god damn McCallisters, how has child protective services not been called? Also, the police. Not only do the departments not give two @$%s that this kid is home alone and/or lost in a city, but Kevin never once decides hmmm, “Dudes trying to break in to my house and harm me, I should call the police. But wait, I could, instead, booby trap my house and hope for the best because I’m @$%ing 8! I love the holidays! YOLO!” I know, I’m reading way too much into this shit. Look, my 10-year-old self loves these movies, but my 33-year-old self has some serious questions upon reflection.
Kacie Baum is a professional partier, mother of two pugs, and the wife of Matt Baum. She tolerates the constant presence of the Two-Headed Nerd in her home each week. She did not write this bio. Pre-THN entries of Girl Meets Nerd can be found here.