Tonight while at dinner at Pitch Pizzeria ($30 bottle-of-wine-and-pizza deal, y’all) a preview for the new Hugh Jackman movie, The Wolverine came on TV. My husband sighed and said, “Well, I guess we have to see this over the weekend. It’s going to be bad. Hopefully, it won’t be as terrible as the first movie.” You see my husband declares he loves Wolverine more than Daredevil. (Say what!?) Apparently he likes that Wolverine is short like him.
Him: “Wolverine’s the smallest one. Do you know what his nickname is? The Thing [or as I like to call him, Mud Man] named him.”
Me: “Tiny dancer?!”
Him: “Nope, his nickname has to do with him being from Canada. Here’s a huge hint, because you’ll never guess it …” (RUDE.) “It’s based on Knucklehead.”
Me: “I don’t know who Knucklehead is.”
Him: “Yes, you do. It’s what the Vancouver hockey team is called.”
Me: “Oh, sports. Okay, they call him a Canuck.”
Him: “Combine the two.”
Me: “A knuckle-canuck?!”
Him: “NO! It’s Ol’ Canucklehead.”
Sorry, off track here for a minute. At dinner while viewing the preview for this possible piece-of-shit movie, my husband in all his glory declared, “Your next blog assignment is to tell your readers the history of Wolverine. That means [and I $%&@ing quote] you’re going to have to do research and homework on this, because I know his history and it’s crazy. So, good luck.” AS IF!
Each day this week, readers, I’m going to look up Wolverine, watch the first movie (the one with TIM RIGGINS!!!!), perhaps read a comic (debatable) and see the new Wolverine movie (thank god for beers) and report back to you on a daily basis.
Speaking of fun facts, my husband, who so lovingly downloaded Les Misérables for me the other evening at 2 a.m., snuck in and watched the opening scene (“Look Down” for those Les Mis nerds following along) and saw Hugh Jackman’s steeze. He had a huge-ass beard/facial hair combo and shaved head. Well since my husband thinks Hugh Jackman might really be Wolverine and anything he does is tough (again, debatable) he is going to re-grow his hobbit beard and shave his head for the fall Desaparecidos tour. You’re welcome.
So let’s get this history of Wolverine started …
Tuesday 11:10 p.m., one bottle and a half of wine consumed….
- My first stop is here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolverine_(comics)
- Instead of reading about Wolverine, I decide to respond to a tweet making a comic sans joke. Because a comic sans joke in the font world is GOLD!
- “Oh, I’m impressed you’re doing research, but, ha, good luck with that page” — my husband
- Someone seriously just farted, HOLY SHIT! That is disgusting. The prime suspects: Mabel Baum, Beeps Baum or my husband. … This might be an unsolved mystery.
- “Wolverine is a fictional character…” WELL NO SHIT!
- How the $%&@ do you get the nickname Logan from James Howlett?
- So he’s a healer … like some bard gnome I know of …
- HOLD UP! Dude becomes an Avenger?!
- So the Vietnam War kinda established his brutish personality. America!
- His first appearance was in an issue of The Hulk … but what did he do in that issue!? Was he a mutant? Or was he just a tad lil’ wolverine pup?
- Man, I forgot how intense The Bourne Identity 2 is. All three of these films hold the $%&@ up.
- Sorry distraction level Matt Damon …
- Wait now his origin doesn’t appear until 2001 in Origin? This is getting confusing.
- Jason Bourne is destroying this agency and Joan Allen and Brian Cox are $%&@ing pissed, you guys!
- HE HAS A KID!! Was this mentioned in the X-Men movies?
- He and Captain America team up, best friends forever?
- This page is too long, and I’m too wine drunk to keep reading, but it looks like he dies and comes back etc. etc. etc. aka LIKE EVERY COMIC BOOK CHARACTER EVER!
- Tomorrow night … we watch X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
Wednesday, 10:19 pm, huevos rancheros consumed…
My husband has informed me that X-Men Origins: Wolverine is a piece-of-shit movie, so he’s refusing to download it off the Internet for me. Whateva. He has a back-up plan for me to further my history of Wolverine. Instead he brings out Marvel Omnibus Uncanny X-Men, Volume 1. YOU GUYS! This shit is like the Bible of the X-Men. I’m pretty sure it’s way over 500 pages. Let me check: 808 pages. You know what doesn’t have 808 pages?! X-Men Origins: Wolverine! Sigh, so I shall begin. Thankfully my husband informed me that I “didn’t have to read it all” … as if I would. Ha, silly man. I’ll probably read about 10 pages (okay, let’s not lie, 5) and call it a day. I would start right now, but I’m watching The Bridge. I really should be watching season two of Once Upon A Time. I heard a rumor Robin Hood showed up last season, say what! Okay, so tomorrow, I read the Uncanny X-Men Bible.
Thursday, but technically Friday, 12:22 am, numerous cocktails consumed because I’m fancy and went to the Alpocolypse show by Weird Al tonight…
Well, I didn’t get any Wolverine shit done tonight, BUT there’s an X-Men lyric in Weird Al’s “White and Nerdy,” so I leave you with that.
Friday, 10:05 p.m., un-showered, hungry and watching “Say Yes to The Dress”…
I’m having a debate in my head about picking up that Wolverine Bible and actually doing some research, but I just can’t. Instead, I found a cliff notes version via this little article written by Kevin Coffey for the Omaha World-Herald.
- So, Wolverine is immortal? How the $%&@ old is he? Is this friend he meets in the new movie, also immortal since it’s a friend from the way back? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!
- I wish I were Wolverine, then I’d for sure live until I was 120.
- Oh snap! Hugh Jackman is on my TV talking to me about The Wolverine, maybe he can help in my quest to learn about the history of this character.
- I think I would pay way more attention if he were singing this information to me. Perhaps with some random jazz hands.
- I learned more about Viper than I did about Logan aka Wolverine. Thanks a lot, Hugh Jackman.
Saturday, 11:43 pm, lots of Benson Day beers and a Dominos pizza later…
- We are watching X-Men Origins: Wolverine!
- Some kid named James (aka Logan aka Wolverine) is sick, and his dad just died. Oh shit, his wolverine claws just came on out and he killed a dude. Lots of therapy is gonna follow this shit…
- He has a brother, not sure who this brother is, but I know he is older. They will end up hating each other, naturally.
- “This is my favorite part of the film, the best part. Actually, when you get done watching this, you don’t need to watch the film.” — my husband
- Oh fun, movie montage! It looks like the Civil War. Wolverine and his brother are old, ya’ll.
- CHARLIE FROM LOST IS IN THIS SHIT!
- Now we are in World War II. “This is where they should’ve shown Captain America. So stupid.” — my husband
- My husband really loves the opening to this shit. So Wolverine has a brother that has fangs. Is he also a Wolverine?
- I feel we went from the Civil War to Desert Storm in a hot minute.
- Hello, Ryan Reynolds. I think he is super overrated. Discuss.
- Is that Will.I.Am?!!!
- “So dumb” — my husband
- Who is this handsome Asian killer supposed to be?
- When does Wolverine become an X-Men?
- My favorite Deadpool is this dude.
- Now I’m box office mojo-ing Ryan Reynolds. Naturally.
- I’m over this.
- I’m watching my brother’s Boston Terrier, Lucy. She is super cute, you guys!
- Now Hugh, I mean, Wolverine is making out with some hot chick in a remote place. Over this shit.
- Hugh has an ax and is getting in a truck to go do “man’s work.” DUMB.
- Oh look, Charlie from Lost is a Carnie. “It’s not a trick, man…” “Freak.” Once again, DUMB, and I still don’t know anything about Wolverine.
- Wolverine’s brother comes a knocking at Charlie’s door. He seems scared. It’s like Raylan knocking on Wynn Duffy’s trailer.
- “Smells like government.” I CAN’T.
- Me: “Who’s Bradley?” My husband: “Your boy from Lost.” Me: “Charlie’s dead?”
- I don’t understand anything that is happening.
- This movie tells me that Wolverine’s origin is that he was born, killed a dude, he and his brother fought in every major war in history, he fell in love with this hot Eskimo-like gal, tried to be a dude with a normal job but couldn’t because even though he is Canadian he had to save the world from his evil brother. Why is the brother evil, who the $%&@ knows?
- Wait! He’s letting the government or whatever put metal into Wolverines skeleton. His claws until this point were only bones. What? How’d I not catch this?!
- Also his lady friend died due to his brother killing her … I’m so lost. (I feel I shouldn’t be. Balls.)
- I give up, not even Tim Riggins can save this shit show…
Sunday, 9:06 pm, tired from running, biking and eating Thai…
YOU GUYS! I have spent nearly every day this week with Wolverine in my life. I have done so much freaking research for this dumb blog, holy shit. Today’s Wolverine experience was going to the new movie (The Wolverine). Thank goodness it was better than that pile of crap we watched last night. I want Hugh Jackman to be crazy famous and successful. Plus he makes a good Wolverine, he just needs some solid material to work with. First sign that I would dig this movie: Within the first 20 minutes, he is sporting some serious Jean Valjean facial hair, all in. Apparently this movie takes place after X-Men 3, which I didn’t see, so as far as origins go for Wolverine, this is not helping me. Though, from the origins movie last night, it seemed Logan was in love with this one girl, and then in this movie he is all about dead Jean Grey, whom he says he’ll always love. The hell? Since this movie just focused on Wolverine accepting his immortality and to stop moping around, I’m going to refer to the X-Men Bible (quick question: Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine is always in beaters, jeans and a leather jacket. Did he ever sport the comic blue and yellow spandex costume?!) and will return with a final summary of the origin/history of Wolverine. Stay tuned…
Okay, so after a week of this shit (um, that Bible was just all the X-Men comics, NO ORIGIN) here’s what I’ve learned:
Logan was born in Canada (my husband seems to keep making sure I know he’s from Canada. You know who else is from Canada? My mom. Fact.); has a brother; hates his brother; his parents are both dead; is hella old; fought in a lot of wars; was a loner/drifter; the government put that fancy metal in him (which his claws are made out of); he is immortal; can heal himself; loves women with brown hair (I’m brunette, so if he were real, I’d totally have a chance); is/was an X-Men; also was an Avenger; has amazing sideburns/facial hair; is kind of a dick; AND is still alive and kicking ass in his yellow and blue spandex.
Kacie Baum is a professional partier, mother of two pugs, and the wife of Matt Baum. She tolerates the constant presence of the Two-Headed Nerd in her home each week. She did not write this bio. Pre-THN entries of Girl Meets Nerd can be found here.