SmaugThis past weekend, my husband was overjoyed because The Hobbit: Benedict Cumberbatch Voices a Dragon finally came out. This is part two in The Hobbit trilogy and — just like part one and The Lord of the Rings saga before it — it was 200 hours long.

I took two things away from this movie after viewing it: First, what in the goddamn hell is going on, because holy shit, there is a lot going down. Second, THERE ARE PUGS IN LAKETOWN! I REPEAT, PUGS IN LAKETOWN!!

Before we really get into it, let’s go back in time. Picture it: Omaha. Sunday, December 15, 1:15 p.m. at Aksarben Theater (number 2 to be exact). A man and his wife trolled into the theater to go see The Hobbit: Give Me Back Three Hours of My Life, Please, with some friends. Tickets bought, theater bound, and the only seats left are the ones that our lovely friends held for us IN THE FRONT ROW. Bitch, please.

You know what happens in the front row? Nothing good. A random 10-year-old boy sits by you. Viewing the movie requires you to have your head tilted 45 degrees at all times (FOR THREE HOURS). And the bottom of the screen is pixelated. Oh, plus if there’s action on screen, which there was a lot of, you only catch a small glimpse without throwing up all over said 10-year-old rando next to you. So needless to say, some parts I completely missed and perhaps that led to my “what the hell is going on” reaction. Full circle, y’all.

Since there was so much going on in this sequel, was it really necessary to add a new character and plot line to the already ridiculously long tale being woven before us? One thing I do not need in my hobbit stories is a full-on Twilight love triangle between three gorgeous folks, or to be exact two elves and a handsome dwarf. This totally dragged this movie out for an additional 45 minutes. I bet Orlando Bloom was psyched though, because dude does not get much work these days, so milking Legolas for four-plus movies now is taking him to the bank. I can’t hate a dude for that. However, I can hate a dude for having a killer blonde wig, which is better than my real-life hair.

Another issue I had with this movie is there wasn’t enough Bilbo. There was a shit-ton of Thorin however, and that dude is kind of a major boner killer. First off, as the supposed leader of this group going to reclaim the kingdom and fortune that is his and his peeps’, he’s a pussy. Makes Bilbo do all the dirty work for him (If my husband sent me into a cave with a live-ass talking dragon — a point I will get to in a hot minute — to go find his family’s stone, I would refuse. It’s not my stone. Get it yourself. We have arguments like this involving me washing his dirty dishes all the time. Same thing basically, minus the dragon I suppose…) and is hella stubborn and puts his own feelings before those of the greater good. If it weren’t for Bilbo, all the dwarves would’ve been giant spider meals and never escaped the elf prison down the river and made it to the mountain (okay, that last part is less Bilbo and more Bard assistance, but I digress. Thorin still didn’t do shit).  What I took away from this is that this is really Thorin’s story, not Bilbo’s, and ain’t nobody got time for that.

Let’s move onto the dragon aka Smaug. This was the big “ooohhh ahhhhhh” of this movie, the promise of a kick-ass Smaug. I must admit, he was my favorite thing about the movie. Not only could Benedict Cumberbatch convincingly voice a dragon, but he might be one in real life. Have you seen the man?! I’m not even going to start on why I don’t think dragons should talk (BECAUSE THEY’RE A @#$%ING DRAGON!!!!!), and I believe Harry Potter, Game of Thrones and Reign of Fire would all agree with me. Side: At my annual cookie party this past weekend, we made red velvet sandwich cookies that for whatever reason *cough, cough, user error, cough, cough* didn’t flatten out. So once they were sandwiched, we decided they looked like dragon eggs. At one point, I decided to put the largest in my mouth at once and that if I did so, then I would be the Khaleesi. Needless to say, it ended with my hands in the air and me yelling “I AM THE KHALEESI!” I had a bunch of wine, okay? End aside. Anyway, the dragon was cool as shit, especially slithering around in all gold coins. Plus even as a dragon, he and Watson, er, I mean Bilbo still had amazing chemistry (which you can view on the BBC show Sherlock, you’re welcome).

We will end with Gandolf.  I think I had this problem with him last time, but I’m sorry, he sucks at being a great and powerful wizard. In fact, why do all old wizards (I’m looking at you, Dumbledore) claim to be such power forces, yet make innocent hobbits and teen boys do their dirty work, when they could probably just end everything with a flick of a stick or wand?! At this point, Ron Weasley (whom I love dearly) has done more than the two of them combined, and dude was shit at magic. According to my husband, when Gandolf isn’t abandoning his team of dwarves that HE PUT TOGETHER TO DO THIS ENTIRE THING and [email protected]#$%ing some beautiful elf queen, he is in fact doing wizard stuff and knows that when you use magic there is a price and that I wouldn’t understand that. Au contraire, mon ami…I watch a butt-load of Once Upon A Time and know that magic comes with a price, thank you very much. One thing I did notice is that he didn’t seem to be getting high as much this go around as he was totes baked in the first movie for at least 89% of it.

My husband has been eerily silent on this film. I haven’t even heard whether he liked it or not. He might be in mourning because he agrees that it was three hours where we could’ve been doing anything other than sitting in the front row looking at pixelated dwarves. One final thing: I do apologize, because this here blog is just as goddamn long as the movie.

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Kacie Baum is a professional partier, mother of two pugs, and the wife of Matt Baum. She tolerates the constant presence of the Two-Headed Nerd in her home each week. She did not write this bio. Pre-THN entries of Girl Meets Nerd can be found here.