Date A NerdDear Dating Advice Column,

I’m in love with this guy and we’ve been dating for 6 months, but he still doesn’t call me his girlfriend. When I question him he says, “we don’t need to identify our relationship with labels,” and when I stare into his big brown eyes I find myself agreeing with him. I forgot to mention he has the body of The Miz (hey it’s Comic Con weekend and I saw a pic of him there, so he’s fresh in my mind. Also, fun fact, The Miz was originally on The Real World) and the face of Taye Diggs (whoa, that is a crazy ass hybrid of a dude). He also forgot my birthday and only calls me Monday through Thursday after 10 p.m. I think he’s my soul mate. Any advice?

My advice would be to DATE A NERD. Yes, that’s right, to all the single ladies: date a mother$@#%ing nerd. I dated a nerd for seven years before we finally married. I have at least five other girlfriends who also married nerds and let me tell you, they are in super healthy, happy relationships many years later. Now, that’s not to say there aren’t bad nerds out there, because, well there are, and we’ll get to that, but first let’s cover why you should date a nerd.

  1. Nerds can tell you what year and issue that Spiderman first met Mary Jane. They can remember every line from all three Star Wars movies (the last three don’t count, according to my husband). Because of their ridiculous ability to recall such information, you know what else nerds will remember? Your birthday, your anniversary, your first date, your favorite flavor of ice cream (another fun fact, today is National Ice Cream Day, delicious!) and the name of your family dog. Case in point:

Me: “Babes, when did Gwen Stacy die (ugh, this makes me sad that Emma Stone won’t be around for The Amazing Spiderman 3)?”

My husband: “In Spiderman 121.”

Me: “Where and what did we eat on our first date?”

My husband: “We had sushi at Sushi Japan.”

Me: BOOM!

  1. Nerds LOVE dogs. Mostly little dogs, which, I mean who doesn’t love some dog snuggles? Even my cold black heart thinks they’re the best. We have two pugs (please, any chance to mention Dundee’s cutest pugs, I will), Two Headed Nerd co-host Joe Patrick has a pup, fill-in hosts Dave and Wooly Toots have five dogs between them … shall I go on? Plus, dogs are usually a first step before a baby. So if you ladies want dem babies, treat yo self to a nerd with a dog or two.
  2. Nerds are romantic. You guys, they idolize all-American dudes like Superman, who pretty much saves the world but really is saving it so that Lois Lane survives. He’s doing it for the love of his life. Nerds realize this shit, and apply it in real life! They read and see (thanks to the influx of Marvel movies) how much Captain America loved Peggy Carter and now Sharon Carter (side: um, that’s Peggy’s niece. Gross. End side.), and they will cherish always holding onto their true and first love. Nerds will buy you flowers, go to Pitch Perfect with you, hold your hand in public, come home and download Les Misérables for you so you can watch it with your dogs and sing along at 2 a.m., slow dance with you in your kitchen and so much more.
  3. Nerds are sexy. Nathan Fillion … need I say more?
  4. Comic-Con. It is the Mecca for nerds of all kinds. TV nerds, movie nerds, cosplay nerds, comic book nerds and cartoon nerds. EVERY NERD WILL BE THERE. If you are single, you have a very high chance of meeting a dude here. Forget Christian Mingle dot com (sorry I watch a lot of TLC and this jingle is stuck in my head five out of seven days a week. You’re welcome), this is your jam. Plus, this trip can secretly be enjoyed by you, as well. I mean, if I went this year, this is where I would have been. Fact.

Now ladies, there are a few nerds that I do urge you to resist. Which, let’s not lie: Once you see this list, you probably wouldn’t approach them in the first place. Well, some of you might, I don’t really know what your steeze is. To each her own.

  1. If you can smell a nerd from more than two feet away … stay away. That shit can be potent. Some nerds are just grown up 13 year old boys who don’t care to shower or think they need deodorant yet.
  2. Just because you are a nerd doesn’t mean your wardrobe should only consists of superhero t-shirts, robot t-shirts (ahem, my husband, ahem) or shirts with stains on them. Ladies have no desire to lick your dinner off the face of Wolverine on your dirty shirt. Ladies would, however, lick the dinner off Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, but that’s a blog for a dirtier site.
  3. This guy actually does exist. Stay away. Plus, I’m sure this dude doesn’t like getting it on with ladies, men, animals, objects, etc. He’s just here to taunt you, tell you you are incorrect and sweat.

So to all my single ladies, get over trying to find the douche at the gym who’s more into looking at himself in the mirror; forget the tortured hipster strumming his guitar and get yourself a nerd. Trust me, you will not be disappointed.

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Kacie Baum is a professional partier, mother of two pugs, and the wife of Matt Baum. She tolerates the constant presence of the Two-Headed Nerd in her home each week. She did not write this bio. Pre-THN entries of Girl Meets Nerd can be found here.