SummerSlamAfter spending all day Saturday working (10 hours in the sun, thank you very much), tonight (Sunday) I just wanted to go to yoga and relax at home and have a cuddle party with the pugs. Because that is how you win a Sunday. But noooooooooooooooo. The WWE’s Summer Slam called (technically my husband called and yelled that I needed to write a blog for this website and that this needs to be the topic, whatever) so here I am, ruining my chi by watching Summer Slam.

Below are my real time notes on this historic (hahaha bitch, please) event:

  • Hulk Hogan sure has been showing up on the WWE a lot lately. . Methinks he is plotting to return for a one off, most likely availabel for $9.99…
  • You guys, Summer Slam is a night “where dreams are made.” Bwahahahaha shut up.
  • Not sure what a Summer Slam is, besides a match held in the summer. I assume someone wins a title. That title? Not sure. Summer Slammer of 2014?
  • There are over 17,000 fans at this match. I repeat 17,000!
  • First up is The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler.
  • The Miz claims to be “Mr. Hollywood” and refers to his face as the moneymaker. UGH.
  • Fun fact, Roman Reigns (more about him later, no worries) punched the shit out of the moneymaker the other night. Don’t ask why and how I know such.
  • I love that the announcers give no shits to what is actually happening in the match and instead are talking about who they want to see do the ALS ice bucket challenge. Their hopes: Donald Trump and Kermit the Frog. I think everyone here is wasted.
  • “It’s like DeNiro and Pacino are in the ring right now.” The announcers. No, just no.
  • Oh my god, I just ate an entire box of macaroni and cheese. NO REGRETS!
  • Haha, the Miz has a move called “the famouser.” Obviously.
  • I just learned Totino’s Bold are a sponsor. Fitting.
  • The Miz just #@%$ing grabbed his belt and tried to troll out. Hahahaha. This is so dumb.
  • I just yelled “WHOA!” out loud people. My pugs gave me a look of shame.
  • I can’t believe I just yelled out loud.
  • And Dolph Ziegler pulled some magic and won.
  • A color guard is presenting Jack Swagger to the crowd. I feel this is an abuse of our military.
  • Man, I do love a good “USA” chant…
  • They are each holding flags. I hope they sword fight with them.
  • Haha, they are having like a flag wave-off. It looks to be like a dance-off, but waving mother#@%$ing flags.
  • The match hasn’t even started and they have already begun to fight. It’s like watching the cold war come to life. No, it’s actually not at all.
  • I love the organized audience chants. The WWE has so many of them. Gold. Pure gold.
  • I’m pretty sure no title is at stake here. This is just America vs. Russia.
  • “Swagger Bomb” is a move of the Real American. I might have to cheer for Russia after learning that.
  • The Patriot Lock seemed to do Rusev in. Nope, lies.
  • Is he even yelling real Russian words?
  • Jack Swagger passed out. So the Russian won the match.
  • And now Rusev kicked a grandfather, naturally. .
  • This was literally a #@%$ing FLAG MATCH. It’s like the damn Olympics. The winner’s flag gets lifted and their national anthem plays.
  • “I mean these titles and belts are cool, but god damn, I want to win a FLAG MATCH,” said no one ever.
  • The Lumberjack Match is next. I.just.don’t.even.know.
  • I see no lumberjacks… sooooo…
  • Seth Rollins has serious skunk hair. As in it looks like that clown skinned a skunk and put it on his tiny head.
  • Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins used to be teammates and buds, until Rollins betrayed the team and went rogue. So now all they do is sneak up on each other and beat the shit out of the other one.
  • How do they not rip?! I’d die if they were actually pajama jeans.
  • Got it, so a lumberjack match means surrounding the ring are people who want to kick the living shit out of those wrestling. So if they fall out of the ring, those surrounding it can pretty much murder them.
  • Yeah, those are totally pajama jeans.
  • At least make it look like you are actually punching each other.
  • Why do they all have to have wet hair to wrestle?
  • Ambrose just got tossed out of the ring and punched some lumberjack in the head. The #@%$ is going on?
  • I need my husband here to explain this to me. I’m so confused over the WWE. Words I thought I’d never utter.
  • Did the announcers just say Dean Ambrose has Rabies? What is happening?!
  • Great, I turn away for one minute to see little Kingston Rossdale do the ice bucket challenge and nominate his dog (my cold black heart melted at that) and there are 16 dudes fighting around the ring.
  • The match has gone into the seats. Poor front rowers, getting jizzed on by wet skunk hair.
  • Seth Rollins is running into the aisles. This shit is insane. It’s a free for all.
  • They are up on like the second tier of seats now. Hahahaha.
  • Six dudes are carrying Dean Ambrose back to the ring. CARRYING HIM.
  • Now six have hoisted Rollins up taking him back to the ring.
  • Of all things holy, Dean Ambrose just #@%$ing jumped off the ropes onto Rollins, who was being carried by six people.
  • I feel this is what chaos feels like, and it has taken any chi left in my aura away. Thanks Rollins and Ambrose. Jerks.
  • THERE ARE 20 PEOPLE FIGHTING IN THE RING RIGHT NOW!!!!
  • I bet my husband is giggling like a schoolgirl after kissing her crush.
  • Well, Seth Rollins won by jumping at Ambrose with a metal brief case, hitting him in the head, essentially knocking his ass out.
  • MATCH OVER. I’m so stressed right now. #@%$ing Christ.
  • NEXT.
  • Bray’s cronies all wear animal masks, it’s like “You’re Next.” Creepy ass mother#@%$ers.
  • Bray has on a sweet leather apron. He probably wears that when he kills people in his backwoods cabin.
  • Okay, Bray Wyatt is just fat. That is not muscle.
  • Ugh, I have food cramps. I ate too much. Woe is me.
  • I’ve lost so much interest in this.
  • I bet Bray Wyatt smells like pancakes and dirty swamp feet.
  • Chris Jericho probably smells like Axe body spray or lavender.
  • Someone just win or lose or pass out or I don’t care, do something.
  • The chaos of the lumberjack match has ruined the rest of Summer Slam for me.
  • There’s that ad for Totino’s Bold. If that is some new pizza roll, then stop the press, because I’m all in Totino’s, ALL IN.
  • Bray does this god damn horror movie bullshit, where he gets into a backbend and slithers towards his opponent.
  • That is what nightmares are made of. Fact.
  • When my husband comes home tonight and goes into his office, I’m totally going to Bray Wyatt backbend on in there. Though, I wouldn’t put it past him to then “sister Abigail” my ass. That’s another Bray move FYI.
  • It’s also the move that took down Jericho a noche.
  • Stephanie McMahon is the Regina (the Evil Queen from Once Upon a Time, which when is season 3 going to be on Netflix? I needs to catch up) of the WWE.
  • Stephanie McMahons wrestling outfit looks like something you’d find someone wearing in a sex dungeon. So, I’ve heard…
  • How do these fools not sweat? I’d be making ring puddles.
  • Ahhhh shit, Brie just tried to “yes lock” Stephanie. The yes lock is Brie’s husband Daniel Bryan’s move.
  • Daniel Bryan is also a favorite of my husband. He sits around yelling the “YES!” chant with the WWE crowd. Try not to be jealous.
  • Update: Stephanie is kicking dick.
  • Update: Brie is now kicking dick.
  • Triple H, Stephanie’s husband, just ran to the ring. And Brie’s sister, Nikki, did as well.
  • Triple H just pulled the ref out of the ring by the leg. HAHA.
  • Brie just jump kicked Triple H in the head from inside the ring (he was outside, she like #@%$ing kicked him through the ropes you guys).
  • Brie’s sister is now in the ring…this can’t end well for Stephanie.
  • What a twist! Nicki knocks out her sister Brie.
  • Annnnd Stephanie wins.
  • Oh well, onto the main event?! (Dear god, please be the main event).
  • For the Summer Slam title, we have John Cena versus Brock Lesnar.
  • Randy Orton’s panties have been tangled ever since Triple H decided Brock Lesnar would fight Cena for the Summer Slam title over him. In the words of Justin Timberlake, “Cry Me a River.”
  • Roman Reigns (that is a good porn name) has a tight entrance, I dig that he enters from the stands.
  • I think my husband likes Roman Reigns only for the fact that he has a move called “Superman.”
  • Randy Orton seems like the kind of dude that would pierce his nipples and hang out at Fun-Plex.
  • The pugs are over Summer Slam. Haters.
  • Roman Reigns might be a giant.
  • Randy Orton loves throwing Roman into the announcers table. Yawn, get a new move please and thank you.
  • These two are turnt!
  • AHHH shit, the superman punch time.
  • That was the weakest superman punch I’ve ever seen Roman throw,
  • I mean, I’ve never seen that before, what.
  • Well, that looked like it hurt. How unfortunate.
  • Roman is a fighter, just like Christina Aguilera sang about. Preach Xtina, preach.
  • ROMAN REIGNS FOR THE WIN.
  • Finally, the Slam of the Summer?
  • The smell emitting from one of Dundee’s cutest pugs right now is gagging me. Send help or a gas mask.
  • Yeah, not buying that Jessica Alba gives any shits about Summer Slam. Sorry WWE, nice try.
  • Why do people not use the Game of Thrones theme song as their walk in music for any sports?
  • John Cena sings his theme song. That is not a joke.
  • The winner becomes the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. I feel like every other week, there is a new world heavyweight champion, but I digress.
  • This match has started out fast and furious. RIP Paul Walker.
  • When Brock Lesnar yells “I will kill you!” I 100% believe he will.
  • I dig the kid in the background that the microphone keeps picking up. He’s in a constant state of “Let’s go Cena” yells. Hat tip to you, my child.
  • Maybe Cena should’ve eaten some Totino’s Bold, the new Wheaties.
  • John Cena’s ass, being kicked.
  • I sweat as much as Brock Lesnar. Twinsies.
  • Man, I’m totally regretting this box of macaroni and cheese for dinner now.
  • How John Cena’s neck is not broken is beyond me.
  • This is painful, it needs to end. Also painful, food cramps. The more you know.
  • And with that drop on the head, Brock Lesnar is the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion and John Cena might be paralyzed.

And with that, I bid WWE Summer Slam adieu!

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Kacie Baum is a professional partier, mother of two pugs, and the wife of Matt Baum. She tolerates the constant presence of the Two-Headed Nerd in her home each week. She did not write this bio. Pre-THN entries of Girl Meets Nerd can be found here.