NerdTV Presents: Arrow The Watchening

Sorry about my absence last week everyone, I was sick.  Did Arrow make me sick?  Who knows?  Maybe?  Yes.  Yes it did.  But, I really wanted to write a rundown for you guys, so, here are my ‘notes’ from the previous episode that I missed.  They’re not really notes, more like the incoherent ramblings of a madman.  Enjoy.

  • OMG!  I think Oliver’s island helper on Arrow is Silver Lion from The Man With the Iron Fists.  Also, poor bunny never had a chance.
  • Oliver can’t shoot a tree, no birch stew for him tonight.
  • Trapped on the island!  Captured by masked men!  I hope he survives…wait.
  • Laurel’s dad is the most unprofessional police officer in the world and I’m including the world of Serpico.
  • Oliver is very bad at concealing his secret identity: “What about those Green Arrows we found in your bedroom?”  “Those are barbecue skewers.”  “And this Green Hood?”  “Beach wear.”   “And this book of all the names of the Arrow Killer’s targets?  I’m writing a mystery novel and working backwards from the names.”  “DAMN IT QUEEN!”
  • Laurel absolutely can’t represent Oliver, her dad is the arresting officer, they’ve had a prior relationship, etc. etc.
  • Oliver is representing himself; it would be funny if they showed that for the last three years on the island he was imprisoned with a lawyer and developed incredible law…having…powers.  Oh wait, there’s Laurel, ready to put her entire legal career in jeopardy
  • Bail is set at $15 MILLION DOLLARS.  That sounds like a lot, but remember, Oliver is a Billionaire.  So, let’s say you had One Dollar to your name and your bail was set at the same ratio, you would owe 1.5 cents.
  • It’s funny how every argument Laurel makes defending Oliver is exactly wrong.  He’s not the Arrow Killer and He doesn’t kill people.  Yes, yes he does, he does all those things.
  • This is all part of Oliver’s ‘plan’.  I plan to shine the spotlight as brightly as possible on myself knowing that there’s no one in this universe smarter than I am.  Ahem, um, Oliver, I don’t think that’s a good idea.
  • Wow, lights.
  • This just in, Diggle, arrows are sharp.
  • Step Dad is on the case.
  • The prosecutor is willing throw Oliver an insanity plea?  After he’s suspected of killing literally dozens of people?  And rich ones at that!
  • The Island is called Purgatory!  $10 says that on the other side of the island the Dharma initiative is working on their special brand of nonsense.
  • DEATHSTROKE!  WOO!   He’ll probably be dead by the end of the episode.
  • Ugh, Speedy, just overdose already.
  • Possibly even national news?  A suspected billionaire rich boy serial killer who uses a bow and arrow, that wouldn’t make national news?
  • Laurel’s dad looks like an angry raisin AND thus far, he’s the only person getting things right.  He might be the hero of the show.
  • Oliver throws bad parties; they all end up with him giving a speech in the middle of a song.
  • His master plan is to have someone else wear the hood while he’s at a party?  That’s it?!  Good lord, OJ Simpson had a better master plan than that.
  • Laurel wore horrible fishnets for Halloween BWAHAHA get it?  Her comic counterpart is the Black Canary.  The Black Canary wears fishnets and certainly wouldn’t think they’re horrible.
  • This is a flimsy pretense to get Oliver’s shirt off, Laurel.  Also, his biggest scar is right below the waist.
  • I hate the idea of Deathstroke having trouble beating up a random jungle dude.  He took on 8 members of the Justice League at once and took out 6 of them.
  • I found that Yacht you’ve been hiding.  You probably should change your password from YOUR DEAD HUSBAND’S NAME to ANYTHING ELSE
  • Is Oliver’s mom aware that she has something on her lip?  It might be a mole, but it looks like a huge chunk of lipstick.
  • Oliver and Laurel went to a Maximum security prison for an 8th grade field trip?
  • ‘Not being able to tell my family the truth, kills me.’  But Oliver, your family sucks, why do you like them?

And there you have it, the curtain pulled away from the writing process.  I’m so sorry for all of this.

Here are my thoughts on the most recent episode, second verse same as the first.

  • Royal Flush Gang, more like Toilet Flush Gang.
  • Oh, they put masks on the hostages to conceal the identity of the real culprits…where have I seen that before?  Oh yeah, last week, when Arrow did it.
  • So…the gang escaped through the hole in the vault, a hole that was clearly made from beneath the floor tunneling in not out (the rubble is on the outside), one: where is all the heavy equipment necessary to drill through a floor, two, if you already have an unlikely escape plan, why do the mask thing then?
  • Oliver doesn’t want to go after bank robbers, he wants to go after the guy who controls Water and Power, and the last time it was a guy who controlled the railroads, and the time before that the apartment slumloard…wait a minute…Water & Power, Railroads, Slum Lord…Baltic Avenue…Arrow is playing an elaborate game of Monopoly!
  • Oliver is fighting with his side kick body guard using sticks, um, excuse me, I paid for Arrows, not sticks.
  • Yes, please, please stop calling Thea Speedy.  It cheapens everyone.
  • Wait Tommy Merlyn is also a billionaire?  How many billionaire kids are growing up in Starling City?  Of course, having all the money will be the explanation when  Tommy shows up with his own trick arrows and impeccably maintained goatee.
  • Is Diggle going to become Oliver’s conscience?  This is a development I can get behind, forcing him to help a wounded police officer by making sure he gets better medical care, rather putting an arrow through the cheap doctor who botches the surgery.  It’s called being proactive.
  • Has anyone in the history of ever used the phrase, ‘please tell me you’re not going where I think you’re going.’ Or some derivation thereof.
  • Mythbusters proved the ring mark in the forehead thing doesn’t work, unless the person has super human robot strength…ACE?!
  • Awkward brunch with the super billionaire families.  Oliver, do NOT WALK OUT ON THIS BRUNCH OR I WILL HAVE YOUR BOAT CAPSIZED.
  • Weird grappling tangle arrow thing.  Nice.
  • Instead of shooting out the fuse box, perhaps just running away in the already darkened room would be less time consuming.
  • Nope, not a robot, just an angry bearded dude.
  • Ugh, I’m really starting to dislike Veronica Smoke?  She’s like Rob Schnider’s Copy Guy in Lady Form.  Helpin’ Ollie, findin’ passwords, bein’ awkward.
  • If Oliver really wanted to do the most good, he should just liquidate the company and give the money to charity.
  • Laurel, if you have to ask why now with Tommy, you are very stupid.  Also, carrot cake over Chocolate?
  • Why do people keep calling Oliver ‘The Prodigal Son’ HE WAS LOST AT SEA!  It’s not like he dropped out of college and was screwing models across Europe.
  • Wow, Laurel, you look…exactly the same.
  • Tommy, get with Laurel’s law partner, she is obviously cheap and easy.
  • Oliver’s mom tried to kill him, yes?  What is all this weird overbearing mother stuff?
  • If robbing banks were this easy, there would be no banks.
  • Here’s the thing Arrow, you can’t have Oliver go up against Deadshot and hint at Deathstroke and expect me to be exciting about his little dime store battle with the poor man’s royal flush gang.
  • Wow, Oliver beat up a family, all that island training has really come in handy.
  • My wife, who is a fan of The Dresden Files, noticed that Laurel’s dad wasn’t ‘the cop’ on this episode.  Did the angry raisin get fired?
  • I’m not a baby anymore, I’m a drunk 17 year old.
  • Also, Thea has a weird mole thing on her lip too, excellent mother daughter casting.
  • Really?  Oliver’s dad kept a diary with heat sensitive ink?  I hope that Oliver’s dad was just screwing with him and that book is a list of his father’s enemies.  “I know, I’ll tell my kid that I had a change of heart and all these people in this book are out to destroy the city, muwahaha.”
  • I think if Oliver’s mom eats at Belly Burger she will have diarrhea for 3 days, unless said burger is stuffed with truffles and impoverished children’s tears.

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David DeMarco is Joe Patrick’s boss at Legend Comics & Coffee.  He is able to write this column because Joe Patrick does all the hard work at the shop, while Dave drinks coffee and goofs around.  This is an arrangement that is acceptable to Dave.