My husband is a certified atheist, not to be confused with a Wiccan (ahem, Keith Silva). I’m sure he has a laminated card he made that says so. He is super proud of this fact and said I should write my blog on what it’s like for an atheist at Christmas. Spoiler Alert: It’s exactly like everyone else’s Christmas … except he doesn’t go to church. Thrilling, I know, and if that is what I wrote about, my blog would already be over. Instead, I thought I would tell you all about my husband and his extraordinary gift-giving skills.
I’m pretty sure that Christmas I bought him two cable knit sweaters that were red and cream, respectively. He hated them, but still he put them on and, like a small child, started strutting around the house calling himself Bing Crosby and imitating his singing. They were promptly returned. I failed. My husband however got me a heart rate fitness watch. It was the first I had received. I loved it! I’m a workout freak, and actually am one of those people that likes going to the gym, so he knew I had always wanted one. It was great, I was thrilled. He won that Christmas.
We travel to Washington, D.C., every other year as that is where my parents reside. Due to that fact, my husband thought we weren’t exchanging gifts. Silly man. So since he was in a bind, on the plane to D.C. he jumped on Amazon and bought me my gift. As I opened it on Christmas morning, I was a bit taken aback. It was a polar fitness watch. An upgrade from the one from 2011, but nonetheless, it was pretty much the same thing. Whatever, my first one was breaking anyway. The battery life does not last long, and it kept telling me I didn’t have a heart rate. Zombie status achieved! I gave him some magical gifts, including Biggie and Tupac cufflinks. We tied at Christmas that year.
As I write this, it is yet to be Christmas, unless I’m a time lord and maybe I already had Christmas 6 years ago or some science-alien shit. Anyhow, under the tree is a mix of presents for my husband — some that he asked for and a few surprises. But no worries: no more Christmas Bing Crosby sweaters. Next to all those pressie’s, wrapped in the finest Justin Bieber wrapping paper a girl could get, sits a small square box. I asked my husband if it was for me. It is. Then I mentioned that I hope it’s not a polar fitness watch. He was silent. Then he said, “Why was one on your Amazon wish list?!” Well, I must have put it on a while ago and never took it off once I got one. You guys, for the third year in a row, he has gotten me the exact same gift. I REPEAT, THE EXACT SAME GIFT. It’s not like I don’t give him options, *cough-cough-black boots-cough-cough* there are SO many options. We were talking about how he managed to do this for a third year in a row, and I asked if he even looked at my list. Side: Last year, his mother didn’t realize that I had three pages of a wish list and bought me this sports detergent that I can’t find here in Nebraska off of it because I don’t think she knew how to use the Internet. End side.
Anyway, I noticed a box from Zappos has now appeared under the tree at the last minute, like could he try to put some effort or creativity in this shit?! Maybe if he weren’t so busy watching ALL of the Fast and the Furious movies and wondering when Ludacris shows up, then he could’ve put some time and thought into this situation. I’ve also been told that I can exchange the fitness watch for something else. In light of his three-year non-creative gift-giving repeat, I have deemed myself the winner of this Christmas by default.
Speaking of Christmas, due to the holiday and family shit, etc, this will be my last blog of 2013. Don’t fret, Girl Meets Nerd will return in 2014. Happy Holidays!
Kacie Baum is a professional partier, mother of two pugs, and the wife of Matt Baum. She tolerates the constant presence of the Two-Headed Nerd in her home each week. She did not write this bio. Pre-THN entries of Girl Meets Nerd can be found here.