Whoa! You guys, I have been MIA for months, and I do apologize. There was just some shit that came up that I had no control over. The holidays, my grandparents battling to see who could have the most heart attacks and hospital stays in two months, conference in Chicago and spending the majority of my work time and some Saturdays planning this little event. YOU ARE WELCOME, SCIENCE! But, I digress. I actually have like three blogs on the back burner that this candle is ready to light (or something like that, right Ryan Misek?). And without further ado, Girl Meets Nerd returns with a blog that I began at the beginning of 2014 and finally finished 3 months later. … I present, 14 Things My Husband Has Requested Happen in 2014.
- Each year our friends make a trip to C2E2, a comic convention in Chicago for a weekend in April. This year it falls on the exact same weekend as The Nebraska Science Festival (second plug, if you’re counting), and as such I will be working for many days and hours straight and need him to help with some events. But more specifically, I need him to buy me all the wine and watch Dundee’s cutest pugs, Beeps and Mabel Baum. Needless to say, I will not be making the Chicago venture, but my husband — months ago, when I began this blog (*cough* January * cough*) — thought it would be perfectly fine if he went. He even tried using fellow Two-Headed Nerd co-host Joe Patrick as his excuse to why he just had to go. The reasoning? “Joe needs him there.” WHAT?! Joe is an adult. I think if he went he could figure his shit out. He is neither a dog nor a small child lost in a big city. Nice try, husband, nice try.
- I’m not afraid of animals, except for snakes and alligators (I blame my mom, a wildlife refuge and a banana seat bike for that nightly terror). My husband loves all things reptiles, specifically snakes and bearded dragons (aka lizards). For years before we moved in together, he actually had a bearded dragon — named Kitty — at the house he shared with his brother. Since I’m no Khaleesi, the bearded dragon was just not my steeze. Nothing personal, Kitty. For the past two years my husband has felt the need to own reptiles again and threatens every so often to bring them into the house. The threat once again arose in January, and he was sure he was going to buy one and then leave two weeks later to tour with his band, which of course he would. Buy the thing I hate most then leave it to me to care for. Well turns out, the tour got canceled … as did his dream for this lizard.
- My husband only wanted an Xbox One as a gift for Christmas this year (umm, Xbox if you are reading this, please DM me for my address to send me a free one, thanks in advance). A $500 video game console. You know how much video gaming he has played in the last few months? Probably 5 hours total, so a totally valid reason for me to waste money on this product that was impossible to even find at the time. He even took to Twitter and tweeted to Xbox One about how I was mean and wouldn’t get him one even though that was all he wanted in the entire world. I don’t know why he even asked for it: Anytime a new product like this comes out on the market, he just buys that shit himself. Not sure why he was waiting on me for this one. If any of these 14 things come true, it will probably be this one. The odds are in his favor.
- My husband has also decided he needs to form a new metal band called “Lazer Wolf” after the character in Fiddler on the Roof, obviously. His niece was in this play at the Jewish Community Center in late 2013, a condensed version (3 hours chopped down to an hour and 20 minutes). Needless to say, there was a lot of plot left out and many questions from the crowd. Or maybe just he and I had questions. I blame the beer we drank. Always blame the beer.
- Not only did the lovely fish tank, which I so adore, have a motor malfunction one afternoon when I got home to a house full of smoke, my husband now has decided that he needs an additional fish room in the basement. This would be a breeding ground for the fish (I can’t produce an eye roll big and hard enough for this shit). The best part: Apparently Beeps wants this, too. Of course he does. What pug wouldn’t?! Le sighhhhhh.
- Speaking of the fish tank, he wants to grow marijuana in the filter of the tank. Please reference said hard-core eye roll from above.
- For a while, my husband got on this Micro pig kick. It involved him sending me six micro pig videos a day to my phone while also posting at least ten to his Twitter and Facebook. He decided that if we can’t find another pug, a micro pig is a good substitute as they both snort and are little. No.
- Twice a year my husband decides he needs a new drum set. Not any old set, this time he NEEDS one that is hella expensive, like $5,000-$10,000. That is almost as much as my first car! (RIP Hyundai.) This drum is special you see, as it is see-through red, and that’s the color of evil, so naturally he has to have it. This is the same person who got super mad when the state issued me the license plate 666.
- I would just like to point out, my husband promised to take me on a vacation this year, just the two of us. No friends, no family, nothing. Notice the vacay he promised me is not on this list. AHEM!
- If we don’t get a micro pig, no worries: He decided this summer is the time for a new pug. He’s pretty sure Beeps is going to die any day, or at least he tells Beeps every day how much he will miss him when he croaks (the %#[email protected]? That dog is only 8). Though there are rules to the new pug. It has to be either white (like Marshmallow) or silver. Apparently he is pug racist.
- I’m pretty sure my husband spends more time on his hair than I do. Though there are the times when, like a girl, he gets fed up with his hair and decides he needs to cut it all off, buzz-cut style. OH HELL NO. This has been an ongoing threat he has thrown my way ever since I made him cut off the “sex mullet.” Side: the sex mullet was a short mullet that his former hairstylist told him was super sexy and all the ladies would love. Do you all watch Justified? If so, it looks like %#[email protected] Dewey Crowe’s hair. Nuff said. End side. Anyhow, now it’s more of a joke, but he still finds it humorous that when he threatens getting a buzz cut, I threaten divorce. Even playing field there.
- 2014 is apparently the year he is really kicking me off his Spotify. Bitch, please.
- Years and years ago, when we were just dating (OH MY GOD. AT LEAST EIGHT YEARS AGO. WE ARE OLD.) I bought him this amazing home-brewing kit for Christmas because that is all he talked about doing — brewing his own beer. He had this huge plan, so I went to his brewer friend and bought the best kit there was, and he was thrilled. Eight years later, I’m sure that starter porter mix is nice and ripe. So now he says he will FINALLY brew his own beer just to prove a point. What that point is after all this time, I do not know.
- Finally coming in at number 14, he decided (once again) that he was growing out his beard to dwarf level. This seems to be reasserted when he watched any of the Lord of the Ring or Hobbit movies, or by watching the TV show Vikings. I don’t mind the beard, or it being long, but the one time I find a snack in that nest, I will shave it off in his sleep. This will be what causes the pugs to start to eat him. Great.
And there you have it. My husband’s 14 for 2014 list. By 2015 I bet one of these happens. If more than one happens, then I will do one of the things on this list. I wonder if it’s hard to grow a dwarf beard as a lady…
Kacie Baum is a professional partier, mother of two pugs, and the wife of Matt Baum. She tolerates the constant presence of the Two-Headed Nerd in her home each week. She did not write this bio. Pre-THN entries of Girl Meets Nerd can be found here.