Hello everyone!
It is I, Charlie! Freshly escaped from Matt Baum’s latest sexy containment device: The “Baum-Baum”, AKA the ‘Omega Kennel’. After finally vibrating my particles fast enough to squeeze through the bars made of the (long fossilized) early drafts of the “Untold Tales of the T.H.N.”, I come to you now with words unexpected. That’s right; an open letter of apology to DC/Vertigo.
Dear DC,
What happened to us? Not so long ago, we used to get along so well! We were like two peas in a pod! I was ready to move in! Propose, even! But you spurned me! ME! YOUR CHARLIE!
Oy, got a little ahead of myself there. It was such an awesome time, wasn’t it? We would meet at the local comic shops, I’d pick up my fill of the usual suspects: Spider-Man, Avengers, some of the few ‘Ultimate’ titles (I am a millennial, after all)… and along with them, I’d see you there, shaking dat ass, waving your Hellblazer comics in front of me like you didn’t know I was watching. Good times.
The first few years of us were great, really. I mean, sure. I had my 90’s X-men as my main squeeze, but you were always there for me on those long trips to and from school, never letting me forget quite how weird ‘Smurf’ superman looks as a living bolt of electricity. And when the novelty of the Ultimate Marvel line waned? You were there for me, ready to lay down a heavy load of Ed Brubaker Catwoman.
Then, the unthinkable.
Like being kneed in the dong by Doomsday, I was ripped in half. You see, the year was 2002, and 15 year old me had snuck into a theatre to watch a small Marvel talky called “Spider-Man”. After firmly peeling my brains from the ceiling, I stepped out of the theatre and enjoyed a post-movie review dinner with friends when all of a sudden…
“MAN, MARVEL IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN DC, DON’T YOU THINK?”
…said freshman Johnny Sousa, cramming his face full of a burger stuffed with fries. Goddamn you, Johnny Sousa. Damn you straight to middle school hell. I swallowed my real thoughts and bleated an agreement.
You see, this was the start. The start of where the age old ‘Big 2’ schism divided my comic buying and DC went from Valentine’s date to that girl you totally forgot the name of but made out with at that party that one time. Anyway, as Marvel marched headlong into the mainstream, DC slowly turned into a whiny, Emo, confused mess.
Then came the comic movies. So many comic movies. I loved – LOVED – the X-men franchise on its arrival (Yup, millennial). I thought I’d outgrown you. I’d left you behind. Sure, Nolan’s ‘Dark Knight’ franchise kept you relevant, but we both knew we’d be platonic from now on.
Eventually, my apathy turned to discontent. You started acting weird, throwing out all of our VERTIGO memories in favour of a flashy, new “Not a Reboot/Crisis” look. And I was mortified. Artists left. Writers dropped by the dozen. And there you were standing by your New 52 like it wasn’t a huge mistake. And it was my fault. Along with many, I stopped supporting the comics I loved and you went back to the formula that saw you rake in money by the pound: 90’s ‘Extreme Comics’.
And the people hated you for it.
Now here you are, finally getting clean, coming off the nano-suits and “Dark/Gritty” stories to a light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m proud of you. You’ve completed your 12 steps. You’re ready to get your life on track. More importantly, you’ve admitted it was wrong of you. We’ve both done a lot of growing over the last few years. We’ve both matured and been around the block a couple of times; enough to at least say “we’ve made some mistakes but maybe there’s still something here”?
Get it? Grace and… Ah, nevermind.
I’m excited to see your recent announcements, and I’m ready to give things another go if you are. I mean sure, we’d have to take it slow. There’s no rushing the kind of relationship we’ve got now. We’re adults, mostly. As adult as capes/tights/supervillains get. Also, don’t expect me to start putting out in our first month. With your recent news regarding your moving, re-branding, and your hunt for more “Blue Sky” editorial staff, I think we might just be able to start over. What do you say, DC? Want to give it another go?
Are you ready to take me back?
Yours truly,
Charlietron3000
——————-
Charlie is currently held captive by the Helmet of Fate in the latest Sex-Kennel. He will escape momentarily, once he’s removed the 3rd testicle of Agamotto and served the helmet what can only be described as “The most awkward Rocky-Mountain Oyster” in history. Follow him on twitter for occasional Rocky Mountain Oyster Recipes @Charlietron3000.
