NerdTV Presents: Arrow The Watchening

The holidays are over and we begin last week’s episode with a bang, nay, a fwoosh, as a fireman inside a burning building is doused with a flammable chemical by a mysterious killer dressed like a fireman.  As far as scenes go, it’s pretty gruesome…almost as gruesome as the acting in the following scene when a character actor I’m pretty certain was in Biloxi Blues reports to Joanna—Laurel’s friend and co-worker–that her brother was killed last night.  Not since Darth Vader drunkenly stumbled from the operating table lamenting the death of Queen Amidala has the word ‘Nooooo’ been used to such deleterious affect.

Apparently, Joanna finds her brother’s death suspicious.  The report shows an ignition temperature of 500 degrees, twice as hot as the fire that destroyed the building, consumed the brother.  How could he die in a fire twice as hot as the one he was fighting?  I don’t know.  Better question: how could a fire that consumes an entire warehouse only burn at 250 degrees?  Even if that’s 250 degrees Celsius that only equals 482 degrees Fahrenheit and the average HOUSE fire burns at 1100 degrees.  Man, this show, I should work as a stupid consultant.

Oliver’s step-dad has gone missing.  The Step-Dad who knew too much, I suppose.  Moira isn’t taking it well, but don’t worry, Oliver knows just what will make her feel better: swinging by Big Belly Burger for some garbage and buying a bunch of Blue Ray movies starring people he’s never heard of.  Zack Gal-y-fine-ak-is?  Haw Haw Haw!  It’s funny because who would think that a man with such an obviously Greek name could become an actor!   I don’t know why, but Oliver’s attempt to make his mom happy with an offer of ‘Belly Burger’ pissed me off.  It’s like the show is trying super hard to make him relatable but it just falls flat.  When Tony Stark wants Burger King after being trapped in the terrorist’s cave, that is charming and awesome and makes me want Burger King.  When Oliver says, “Hey, I got Belly Burger” I think, “What, Burger King not good enough for you, you have to go to stupid fake restaurant?  Why not hit the Peach Pit for a chocolate malted?  Or Edna’s Edibles for a cupcake and glass of shut the hell up juice.”  Man, I am starving.

Laurel is asking Arrow for help investigating Joanna’s brother’s death, he’s all butthurt that she thinks he’s a remorseless killer.  “I heard you tell your Dad” he says.  I think Oliver needs help, he’s clearly confused as to what his role is as Star(ling) City’s protector, which is, of course, to murder everyone except the person named in his father’s book.  That person he sends to jail or steals 40 million dollars from their bank account.

Throw another shrimp on the Barbie, while Oliver is busy doing his parkour, another fireman is dropped into a conflagration by the mysterious masked Fireman.  Hey, Oliver, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but you are the master of a certain ranged weapon with which you could use to incapacitate an assailant from many yards away, probably without even killing him.  Ooh, island flashback.

But wait! This is no ordinary masked Fireman, it’s FIREFLY, a genuine bad guy and Batman villain.  Dollars to donuts he’s a disgruntled fireman hurt in the line of duty, wah wah.  Still, all props given to Arrow for including Deathstroke AND another villain in this episode.   Flashback to what is probably Oliver’s first kill on the island.  Honestly, I would love a nice chunk of episodes that take place exclusively on the island away from Oliver’s mother and the mole on her lip that gets bigger with each episode.

Garfield Lynns!  It is the pre-crisis Firefly.

There’s a killer on the loose killing firemen, let’s gather a whole bunch of them in one place densely packed with people and giant banners covered with Firemen silhouettes…here comes Firefly…and there we go: right on all counts.  I swear I write this as I go which should tell you something about the quality of writing in this show.

“I’m not afraid to die.”  “No, you’re afraid to live.”  BLEEEECHHHHHHHHH!

Okay, but why would Firefly kill other firemen, I get why he wanted to kill the chief, but why just regular firemen?  Anyone have any ideas?  Don’t say because he’s crazy, that’s not an answer, this was focused mayhem, crazy had nothing to do with it.

Thus endeth the episode.  Did we learn much?  No.  Was there adventure and excitement?  Sure.  Will I do this again next week?  Sigh…Yes.

King of the Nerds!

There’s an interesting mix of people on this new ‘reality’ show hosted by Lewis and Booger from Revenge of the Nerds.  I’m pleased that half the nerds are neuroscientists, geophysicists, mathematicians, etc. while the other half operate in the world I’m most familiar with: comics, gaming, and the rest.  I am annoyed, however, at the fact that no fewer than three of the nerd girls are wearing fuzzy panda style hats.

The first elimination round: nerd team captains are chosen and must build teams one by one, the catch: two teams, 11 nerds.  One person will be the odd one out, just like Dodgeball back in grade school.  I have to admit, I felt really bad for Alana the nerd unpicked, but then, THEN, a twist!  Because being picked last is the nerdiest thing that a nerd can experience, Alana is given ALL THE POWER.  WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN AFTER THE COMMERCIAL?

Because Alana wasn’t picked, she is safe from banishment AND gets to pick which nerd team is safe (she picked Orange).  Virgin…sorry…Virgil, who has some form of asperger’s syndrome, is upset because the world doesn’t work exactly the way he expects it to.

So, here is a helpful guide to the Nerds on King of the Nerds.  Feel free to reference at any time during the course of the show.

Genevieve:  If Liz Lemon and a Chipmunk had a baby

Brandon:  Mark Ruffalo’s goofy little brother

Alana:  Human Misery

Celeste:  Girl Gamer without pink hair

Hendrik:  Norman Bates’ Grandson

Danielle:  Girl Gamer with pink hair

Jon:  Danielle trapped in a man’s body

Moogega:  Um…yeah.  She has my vote for winner

Joshua:  Completely unmemorable, if you find yourself asking, “Who’s that guy again?”  The answer is Joshua.

Virgil:  Beep boop, humanity is imperfect, I must destroy imperfection.

Ivan:  Sideburns Clancy Brown

The Throne of Games, cute.  Jon and Hendrik have been picked in the first Nerd Off!  A chess game, yep, simple, except for the cat girl stripper that moves the pieces and the centurion to slice the pieces in half when they’ve been captured.  Hendrik, listening to Alana’s bad advice, is the first eliminated.  Sleep well, noble Hendrik, perhaps open a small motel on the outskirts of town.  Don’t forget to drill a peep hole in the shower.

David DeMarco is Joe Patrick’s boss at Legend Comics & Coffee.  He is able to write this column because Joe Patrick does all the hard work at the shop, while Dave drinks coffee and goofs around.  This is an arrangement that is acceptable to Dave.