Two weeks ago was the monthly Dungeons and Dragons game that takes place in my basement. It’s the one time a month when my husband and his friends really nerd out. I mean, they nerd out a lot, but this is like far above the rest of their nerdiness. The only thing that tops D & D in nerdiness, is LARPING (live action role playing). Anyhow, for whatever reason, my husband thought it would be fun for me to actually sit in and play with them that night. Challenge accepted. I would get my own character, dice and be in charge of selecting the booze for shots.
I had a choice of purple dice or these sweet opal-esque ones. I obviously picked the opal ones. For the booze, I picked this weird apple pie liquor for two reasons. One, it came in a plastic bottle (classy) and two, it reminded me of Mags Bennett from Justified. My character was assigned to me by the DM. I really wanted to create my own à la Carlos the Dwarf.
My assigned character was a bard gnome. A what?! Gnome bards are basically street thugs, so I can relate. So in spirit, I changed my character’s name from Roswyn (obviously I would never pick that) to R’swyn. Holla at yo girl. R’swyn trolls around strumming on a ukulele making up little ditties of jams à la Grayson in Cougar Town.
So with those three things in place, dice were about to be rolled. Below is a live-action account of the night, you can also check out @wizards_kinky twitter feed to review how shit went down, as well, in 140 characters or less.
-Game is starting, dice are rolling, a story I think is being told to me. I should listen. Okay, so if we enter the “domain of dread,” we can’t get out. There’s a mist that surrounds it, and if you walk in, you walk out, and you are stuck there. This is some Stephen King bullshit.
-Our background music sounds like the score from some elf movie set in Cold War-era Russia.
-Oh, look, apparently R’swyn is also a harper agent aka a super @#&%ing adventurer.
-My character has a “house” pin (OH MY GOD! I’VE GOT A HOUSE PIN! I’M LVIING IN THE GAME OF THRONES WORLD!) that has magical powers. Bonus: I also have boots of dancing, obviously. Obviously.
-I can also heal people. Dr. Baum, y’all!
-Lots of 20 sided dice rolling and math. I’m terrible at math.
-Now there’s a taint drawing, but R’swyn doesn’t get no taint. Apparently she doesn’t have a vagina. Wait, I don’t think that’s the taint they are referring to.
-Everyone playing gets an extended rest but my character.
-Fun, back to more taint talk. My husband’s taints are sluggish and insomnious, never more fitting taints for a meatball.
-Joe Patrick, co-host of the Two-Headed Nerd Comicast has no taint. But apparently he is a shape shifter and can form one if he chooses. I’m sure his wife would love that shit.
-I like to call the young handsome gypsy boy in this story Zac Efron. Just because….
-One character at our table is named Granny Panties. We have a lot of missions together. Or if not missions, we both have to roll dice together. So naturally we’re BFFs….
-Zac Efron leads us into a cottage with an old witch who wants us to enter to hear a tale. All of us but one go in. Fun fact: Bards love stories, so that’s why I enter.
-We’re trying to track a wizard of Voldemort-like skills and are not so hot on the trail. Apparently last month they thought he was dead in a tomb and they went all Geraldo Rivera at this vault, err tomb, and busted shit open. Way to go, losers.
-Finally an attack! I have to pick what I’m going to do – such pressure! I might go with Fast Friends which is “you sing a tune of false friendship, leaving your foe in a reverie.”
-Wait! We’re fighting werewolves?!
– My husband is trying to talk me into using Vicious Mockery which is “you unleash a string of insults at your foe, weaving them with bardic magic to send the creature into a blind rage.”
-I GOT TO USE AN INVISIBILITY CLOAK! Well, technically I used my eyebite, where I glare at my enemy and my eyes briefly gleam with brilliant colors. My foe reels under my sweet mental assault and then I vanish from his sight. AKA I’M HARRY POTTER, BITCHES!
-Other people are now fighting. I’m invisible and don’t give two @#$%s, so I’m eating hella puppy chow and drinking whipped cream vodka, because baby, I’m a thug.
-Time out due to slight basement flooding.
-And game back on…
-My turn to roll and try to attack the wolves again and I didn’t role a high enough number so it counts as a miss. Womp, womp. This could take hours. Thank god, this cute little monster is entertaining me.
-Still no apple pie shots.
-Joe Patrick might be asleep.
-I feel like it’s been an hour, and I have rolled another miss. I could be watching “Say Yes to the Dress” right now, just saying…
-On the plus side, I healed someone. I’m Jesus!
-Also, I’m still alive, haven’t killed anyone or been bitten by a wolf.
-Oh snap! The dungeon master just put on a bandana … shit got real.
-It’s been like another hour, another whipped cream vodka and club soda later, and I don’t give two @$%#s so I’m texting the fabulous Eric Piper.
-This group likes dark rum and pirates.
-Oh my hell, finally the werewolf is killed. FINALLY!
-I wish we could go back to talking about taints. Those were the days.
-Yeah, game over … false alarm. I guess just the encounter is over. Game is still on.
-This is the point of the game when the regular dudes get weapons, vitality, and other things, and I sit here debating whether or not I get bangs tomorrow. Spoiler alert, I got bangs.
-The first apple pie shot of the night … result “It burns a little.”
-“Does it taste like apple pie?” shouts a curious player. “It does taste like apple pie, but it’s so syrupy.” That review is better than anything Guy Fieri has ever described.
-Zac Efron took us to his house now … this could be the beginning of a porn movie.
-We’re gathered in front of a fountain. I’m standing “guard” aka looking out for my buddies because my stealth is level four. That means I’m not a ninja. Sad.
-“I’m sluggish due to my big god damn taint!” – finally a quote I support.
-I’ve requested a hip-hop soundtrack. I’ve been denied.
-Just found out my character has arrows. So note to the boys: Do NOT leave me, or I will shoot arrows at you when you break up to me à la Jon Snow and Ygritte.
-D&D is really upping my math skillz.
-“Who is the Cake Boss?” – asked Granny Panties. “Me” (why would I NOT be the cake boss?!) “No, that is not you. You are not the boss of anyone’s cake.” – my husband. My dreams are crushed. This game is a total dream crusher!
-Turns out I did something productive in this new encounter with the Cake Boss. My “hit” actually hit the dude and in my spell it turns out that I dominate the Cake Boss and in turn make him attack his allies. I’m not really sure what that all means, but I know it’s a good thing. Boom.
-We completed encounter number two. We defeated two Batmans, a Cake Boss and three raptors.
– Now we are exploring. Well, those dudes are. My character decided to stay on the first floor and play her magical ukulele. She’s playing exploring music for the dudes. It’s probably very similar to TI’s music. Speaking of TI, I want him to brush my hair.
-And with that, the game seems to come to an end. As does this blog.
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Kacie Baum is a professional partier, mother of two pugs, and the wife of Matt Baum. She tolerates the constant presence of the Two-Headed Nerd in her home each week. She did not write this bio. Pre-THN entries of Girl Meets Nerd can be found here.
Oye Vey.
Thank god our husbands do not know each other.