All I wanted to do today was go see “Prisoners” staring Jean Valjean– I mean Hugh Jackman. But alas, the Baum, technically Kelley clan had other plans for me.
First I went to a bridal shower for the fiancée of my husband’s cousin, whom I happen to be playing against in fantasy football this week. I wrote in her card that if her fiancé beat me, I would NOT be attending the wedding. You guys think I’m kidding (so far winning, but he has Peyton Manning who plays on Monday, soooo ya know). Then we went over to his brother’s house to celebrate his other brother’s birthday. His birthday is known to us as The Day We Stole His Birthday Thunder by Getting Engaged. Eat it, Baums (just kidding)! Then somehow, my husband decided my niece should come over to our house. Our house with cymbals and knives and pugs, oh my! Finally, at 8:15, I said he had to return her to his parents. During all this, I was being tweeted at asking me why I wasn’t live tweeting the Emmys. Well, since live tweeting now — AN HOUR IN — would be blasphemy, I shall use my blog as a “live tweet” of sorts to cover the Emmys.
-First off, really? My husband has been with me almost 10 years and he buys cookie dough and Reese’s cups ice cream?? FAIL.
-Opening number time! I love Neil Patrick Harris.
-“This is retarded.” — my husband.
-So, Neil HAS to dance, right?! Side note: That maroon suit jacket he’s wearing is on point.
-Why is Carrie Underwood there?
-YAY!! CONAN!!!! You’ve all seen this right? Because it’s the best thing ever.
-Has Kevin Spacey come out as gay? I would ask Twitter, but the last time I did that, I was mean girl-ed by Hugh Jackman fans.
-Did Tina Fey and Amy Poehler just hand Matt Damon their popcorn? Awesome.
-Tina Fey’s boobs, what is going on there? The right one is trying to escape the left one.
-Supporting Actress in a comedy series time … and the nominees are….
-Speaking of supporting actresses … Jenna from 30 Rock: The French Bulldog last week decided my husband was the Jenna of the Bulldog, so fitting.
-The winner is: Merritt Wever from Nurse Jackie. I don’t know who that is, and I don’t watch that show.
-Girl has got some Chola gold hoop earrings on.
-THAT WAS HER SPEECH?! “I’ve got to go, yeah.” Best thing ever?
-Any of you actually watch NCIS? It claims to be the number one rated show on TV.
-You guys, LL COOL J. That is all.
-LL Cool J story time! So, in high school we use to tease my friend that she liked this guy named Jody. Which, I’m not sure she actually did. Anyhow, we use to say, LL Cool J (Lindy Loves Cool Jody) and leave notes on his fence saying that. He was my neighbor. Sorry, Lindy, it was done out of love!
-Me, “The Deschanel sister on Bones is married to Cricket on ‘It’s Always Sunny on 30 Rock’.” My husband, “What?!” Me, “Ummm ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’.”
-Two awards in and we are already talking about dead people with Robin Williams? I mean, not to be rude, but hasn’t Jonathan Winters been dead for like 10 years? I’m going to hell, accepted fact.
-Oh my god, he just died in April. Place in hell cemented.
-My husband is furious that Jonathan Winters did not get a montage of his work shown.
-Lead actress in a comedy series will go to Tina Fey right, only due to Jon Hamm and Alec Baldwin presenting. Annnnd I’m wrong. Julia Louise Dreyfus wins for “Veep.” I’m down with that, but come on, Emmys, when is it Amy Poehler’s turn?
-Pretty great gag with Tony Hale going down with her acceptance speech right now.
-Breaking news, Val Kilmer tweeted, “Holla” to himself a day ago.
-WHY IS WILL ARNETT ALWAYS SO TAN!?!?!?! HE IS $#@!ING OOMPA LOOMPA ORANGE.
-Why don’t they award the guest actor and actress at the ceremony?
-What in all the $#@!s is Melissa Leo wearing? I mean there is no other reason to look like a gay, homeless Tony Curtis.
-I dig all the Emmys these women are winning for directing and writing. No snark from me here.
-Though if I were to snark, let’s talk about “Modern Family.” Is it funny? Yes. Has it been as funny as it used to be? Nooooooo.
-Sofia Vergara’s breasts, I mean COME ON!
-Jason Bateman, like Kevin Bacon, has gotten better looking with age. Fact.
-No offense to Jim Parsons, but really? REALLY?
-How does Emmy determine which celebrities that died get a special “Shout-Out”? I’m curious of this decision process. I mean, besides “died in the past year” what else qualifies you? (Hello Satan, I’m Kacie and am hating on dead peeps. Oh, that fire stool over there is mine? Thanks.)
-WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS?! SHEMAR MOORE BEING BEAUTIFUL NEXT TO A MUTE BOB NEWHART.
-This show is not only boring, it might be worse than the VMAs. I mean at least Miley gave us something to talk about.
-Let’s see, Elton John, who is gay, is going to perform at the Emmys, because well, why not? So let’s have two men who played gay on HBO introduce this. Obviously…
-Side note, I want that sparkly jacket Elton is wearing, I would be the best gay man ever, in case you were wondering.
-Me: “Yeah, I’m fast forwarding through this shit.” My husband: “*silence*”
-I feel like if you can’t show-the-$#@!-up to the Emmys when you are nominated, then you don’t get to win the award. Then the rest of the nominees that are there have to cage fight. UFC style!
-Does anyone else think they’ve made Robin on “How I met your Mother” super unlikable? Just me? I also hated “Bridesmaids,” so there’s that.
-What is wrong with Arsenio Hall’s head? Is that a natural shape for a head?
-Let’s talk real for a moment: When is the “Dancing With the Stars” cast going to introduce each category with an interpreted dance? Let’s make this a reality.
-I love my mom, but if I had to have a fake mom, obviously it would be Tammy Taylor from “Friday Night Lights.” But that dress she is sporting, OH HELL NO.
-Why are these dresses so bad? Anna Gunn, I know your show films in New Mexico, but your dress doesn’t need to look like it was made in a meth trailer there.
-My husband claims he is on season two of “Breaking Bad.” I call shenanigans.
-Is this show over yet?
-I think I’m going to get up tomorrow at 5 a.m. to make the 5:30 a.m. body pump class. Bets on if this actually happens?
-One of my dogs is crazy-ass gassy right now.
-“God, we’re not even halfway done.” — my husband
-According to the DVR, this show clocks in at three hours and thirty minutes. DEAR GOD! We are watching this on DVR without commercials and we aren’t even halfway there. My attention span is at like -.783442.
-So we have a song and dance number (FINALLY) yet, no “Dancing with the Stars” cast. Pffff, not interested.
-And he sings and has rhythm. Well, I’m even more in love with him than I was before. Great. Thanks a lot, Nathan.
-My husband is also impressed with his vocal abilities. And thinks that Sarah Silverman looks really hot.
-Mindy Kaling is the new Tina Fey, right?
-Well, that little banter between Mindy and Arrow was terrible. I cringed. Cringed I say!
-Me: “Babes, fast forward through this bullshit.”
-Why is Carrie Underwood on here (again I ask you this) and why is she doing multiple outfit changes? Bitch, please.
-Can Kerry Washington be invited to everything? I mean, DRESS PORN city with that one.
-Look at Diane Carroll hitting on the hotties. Get it gurrrrrllll.
-Drunk or confused: The Diane Carroll experience.
-Huh. Will’s husband from “Will & Grace” won an Emmy? What show is he on? “Boardwalk Empire,” apparently. He’s an actual series regular? Also, I find that show to be more boring than “Mad Men.” Are we fighting? We might be fighting.
-“He’s there with Winona Ryder.” — my husband. “No, babes, he’s there with Rose Byrnes, from Bridesmaids.” This is why he is not allowed on my trivia team.
-So my husband is the only one impressed with Jeff Bridges winning from “The Newsroom.” The most overrated show EVER. Mabel is clawing Beeps in the face. She, too, is bored by this shit.
-OH MY GOD, I APOLOGIZE, my blog is almost as long as this damn show.
-Mabel is now punching Beeps in the face. Yes, pugs can punch. Google it.
-“Hold on! Is she (Carrie Underwood) singing the Beatles? *Pause.*” — me. “BOOOOOOOO.” — me and my husband.
-Spoiler Alert, Claire Danes wins this one. My mom discovered text messaging and emoticons, and she sent me a message with a grossed out smiley face to talk about Claire’s look when she wins.
-Baum household debate on whether small breasts versus larger ones look better in a dress like Claire’s. Verdict split. I say small, he says bigger (obviously).
-The Khalessi always throws me off when she is not naked and blonde.
-Can we just talk about how “Justified” isn’t nominated for shit? Like, seriously, big mistake. BIG MISTAKE.
-Bob Newhart is the only male there that is not shade Snooki.
-The outstanding writing for a variety series is always the best shit ever!
-I’m pretty sure the entire writing staff for the Colbert Report is more excited about hugging Bob Newhart than they are with the Emmy award.
-I feel like Lorne Michaels might have mob connections.
-My husband is so over the Emmy’s he’s locked himself in the bathroom with a comic book.
-Okay guys, for the last time, make me YouTube famous enough for “Dancing with the Stars.” That mirrorball trophy would be MINE!
-Update, my husband is still in the bathroom. He is seriously protesting this shit.
-What is going on with Anna Farris? That hair, that face, zoinks!
-My husband is pissed that “The Hour” beat “Behind the Candelabra.” I mean who the hell has even heard of “The Hour,” according to him.
-And I have to rewind, apparently my husband LOVES the In Memoriam segment. He has comments for everyone: “I didn’t know Annette Funicello died!” “Conrad Bain died?” “I don’t know him.” “He looks familiar.” “Ah, Kirschenbaum.” “Oh, Farina.” “God, some of these pictures are just awful.” “Ah, I don’t know Hoffman.” “Alex Karras, Webster’s dad!” “I loved Michael Ansara.” …
-We just had to pause the segment to guess who would be the last face shown in this segment. I didn’t guess. My husband told me I was no fun.
-Spoiler Alert, they ended with Andy Williams.
-My husband has a lot of hate of how little “Behind the Candelabra” is winning and that both Damon and Douglas are being nominated in the same category.
-Oh, gay jokes!
-You guys, I’m so over this. SO.OVER.THIS.
-My husband refuses to fast forward. Hater.
-Maybe Will Ferrell and his gang of kids will make me interested in life again.
-“Modern Family” wins, yawnnnnnnnnnn.
-I might be sleeping and blogging with my eyes open. Get on that, science!
-I can’t hate on “Breaking Bad” winning. I blame Aaron Paul for that, bitches.
And with that the show is finally over. That was so long, I was sober and well, NEVER AGAIN!
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Kacie Baum is a professional partier, mother of two pugs, and the wife of Matt Baum. She tolerates the constant presence of the Two-Headed Nerd in her home each week. She did not write this bio. Pre-THN entries of Girl Meets Nerd can be found here.
Haha…I was wondering if the LL Cool J reference was going to be mentioned :)! Every time I see his name in the FCNP, that phrase runs through my mind! Glad to read your recap tweets, as I did miss the twitter comments last night!
oh yes, i always think of LL COOL J shenanigans when i see him. we were so fun in high school. 🙂