Sometimes you learn things about your husband. Sometimes the things you learn make you question your marriage. On Friday night, I learned my husband has a thing for Vin Diesel. If we divorce, that will be listed as the reason why.
It all started innocently enough. We were out trolling around Benson, running into a few friends, when suddenly my husband decided he was hungry. I casually mentioned the greatness known as the Long John Silver’s Treasure Chest and its fried contents. All it took was for him to hear the words “fried chicken” and it was game over. We now had to find fried chicken at 11:30 p.m., which is not as easy a task as it sounds. Since Omaha isn’t Louisiana Fast on its fried chicken late night parties, we just went home, where he devoured some leftovers and decided we should watch a movie.
Not just any movie, but Fast 5. Nothing goes better with a side of hate-for-not-getting-fried-chicken than Fast 5.
I’ve never seen any of these movies — NO REGRETS — so obviously I gave two shits what was actually happening. But I did give two shits about the nonsense that started spewing from my husband’s mouth.
The night went as follows…
Me: “So they are in Brazil?” (re: where the movie is taking place)
My husband: “No, they are in Rio de Janeiro.”
This is like the time when I asked my husband who the drummer from Poison is and he responded with 100 percent confidence that it’s Tommy Lee. OH.MY.GOD.
Next came an onslaught of my husband telling me and then trying to convince me that Vin Diesel is attractive. And not just attractive, but one of the best-looking guys to ever exist. I really hoped the booze was causing such delusions.
My husband: “I think Vin Diesel is sexy as hell!” This was repeated at least eight times until I responded with a NO. Then we moved on, or so I thought…
Oh my god, 10 minutes later and we are still talking about Vin Diesel and his “sexiness.” I would like it known, once again, that I don’t find him sexy or good-looking.
At this point there is a massive chase, some guns are shot, Jordana Brewster’s character is preggers and Ludacris returns. So naturally that segues into my husband telling me that besides Vin Diesel, the only other too beautiful man is Orlando Bloom.
I will spare you the details, but it included me showing him the following pictures of Orlando Bloom. Your honor, I present Orlando Is Not Attractive in exhibit A, B and C.
My husbands counter was Orlando in full out Legolas gear. Meh.
Anyhow, my disagreement on Mr. Bloom brought my husband back to good ole Vin Diesel. Yes, the same Vin Diesel who danced to Beyoncé and Katy Perry and FILMED HIMSELF DOING SO!
My husband: “Oh come on! Vin Diesel is so sexy! How do you not see it?!”
Me: “Easily. He is like a fourth of the way to resembling Sloth from the Goonies.”
Breaking! Apparently The Rock is better looking than Vin Diesel. He’s a better-looking Vin Diesel, according to my husband. WHAT IN THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! My husband could see I was confused so he clarified, “Dwayne Johnson is a beautifully sculpted human.” Le Sighhhhhhhh.
Also, Paul Walker (#RIP, sometimes I just like talking in hashtags. In fact, I did it before Fallon did. Sooo eat it, Jimmy.) is just a “decent looking” dude, like, he’d be the best-looking guy at a bar, according to my husband. Now this I cannot stand for. What foolishness!
I did argue, but did not win the case, because apparently, Paul Walker is “no Vin Diesel.” WELL OBVISOULY NOT BEAUSE VIN DEISEL IS TWO CHROMOSONES AWAY FROM BEING A @%$ING APE.
More nonsense later and we finally hit the jackpot. Now I was all for not giving two shits in the looks discussion, but when my husband had me troll Diesel’s Wiki page, PURE GOLD!
A few highlights:
- His mother, Delora Sherleen (Sinclair) Vincent, is an astrologer.
- Diesel has stated that he is “of ambiguous ethnicity.” (That is a favorite of mine, I’m going to start writing that shit in when I have to fill out questionnaires #Thanksonedirection).
- Diesel has self-identified as “definitely a person of colour.”
- He once stated that he is “Italian and a lot of other stuff.” (THIS MIGHT BE MY MOST FAVORITE THING EVER!)
- He has identified himself as a “multi-faceted” actor (I suppose playing a Tree in the upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy movie would be considered multi-faceted…)
and finally, this gem…
- Diesel has played Dungeons & Dragons for over 20 years and wrote the foreword for the commemorative book 30 Years of Adventure: A Celebration of Dungeons & Dragons. In the 30th anniversary issue of Dragon magazine, it was revealed that Diesel had a fake tattoo of his character’s name, Melkor, on his stomach while filming xXx.
It’s like someone is making up the best story ever!
Side: While returning my ice cream to the freezer just now, something white and orange in a bag fell onto me. Turns out it was a fish in a bag marked “DEAD FISH DO NOT EAT.” Not just any fish, but one from the fish tank. It’s like Gob with the dove in the freezer. My life is turning into Arrested Development. End side.
Upon sobering up — hahahahaha shut up — my husband decided that maybe Vin Diesel isn’t as attractive as he thought earlier in the night. Finally, he was coming around, or so I thought. On Sunday, as we were doing lawn work, my husband turned to me and said, “You know I thought about it some more, and I was second guessing myself last night. Vin Diesel is a good looking son of a bitch.”
YOU GUYS, I CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP.
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Kacie Baum is a professional partier, mother of two pugs, and the wife of Matt Baum. She tolerates the constant presence of the Two-Headed Nerd in her home each week. She did not write this bio. Pre-THN entries of Girl Meets Nerd can be found here.
Great story, I personally believe every word! Thanks for telling it in such an amusing way.