The HobbitOne Ring to Rule Them All

Today’s Girl Meets Nerd was supposed to be a full-on hate report of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, which I saw this weekend. In a strange turn of events, today’s blog will still be about The Hobbit, but not a full-on hate rant because, god dammit, I kind of liked it (ugh, I hate myself). Not to worry though, there are still a few things I want to discuss. So let’s proceed shall we?

First off, I don’t know how I never noticed this after wasting nine plus hours of my life with The Lord of The Rings movies, but man, Hobbits get high all the $&%^ing time. Those fools are constantly smoking the good stuff out of nice long pipes. Gandalf also gets just as high as those Hobbits. In fact, I would say he is more high than not in The Hobbit.

Speaking of Gandalf, apparently his name is Gandalf the Grey and NOT Gandalf the Great. I thought it was Gandalf the Great (nickname, The Grey). After the movie ended and we were in the car, I turned to my husband and asked, “why do they call him Gandalf the Great? He isn’t that great at all. He never does wizard like shit?” That is when my husband informed me that it was “Grey” not “Great,” and that great wizards know when to use magic and not abuse it. Whatever. I am just saying I know of two great wizards I want on my side in any sort of battle or quest: Harry Potter and Snape (sorry, Ron Weasley, you didn’t make the cut but we can still be best friends). Those dudes help peeps out in a jam. All Gandalf did – at the very last minute mind you – is summon some giant birds to take them all to safety. Kacie is not impressed.

A new character to me was the Brown Wizard that was introduced in this movie (Radagast. Oh snap! I totally remembered his name and didn’t even need to look it up. Ten points to Gryffindor!), who lives in the forest and is the wizard of the animals or something. Spoiler Alert: he plays a big part in the discovery of the darkness that is trying to take over the kingdom. This guy eats a lot of magic mushrooms. So much in fact, I don’t think he realizes the two birds that live in a nest under his hat have shit all down one side of his face. That stuff has been there for so long it is crusted on him. He also gets around via a sled pulled by rabbits.

Side note: Cate Blanchett reprised her role of elf queen, and Dear God, she is beautiful. I could watch her walk around in clothes all day; clothes were made for that woman. End side note.

My husband’s reaction to the movie was pretty much what you would expect. Lots of giggles, excited sighs, crying, and arm punches at me when something “awesome” happened. I think my right arm is one large bruise there was so much arm punching from awesomeness. My favorite reaction was my husband crying. He cried not once, but twice. The first cry came not even 10 minutes into the movie when Bilbo is writing his book and he writes/says the first line from The Hobbit book. The second time the water works were on full display was when the dwarf king (Thorin) tells Bilbo he was wrong for thinking Bilbo was not worthy of such an unexpected journey (me paraphrasing). I heard the sniffles and saw the hands wipe away the tears. I turned to my husband as he was quietly saying “man, that got me” and whispered, “Dear God, when did you grow a vagina?” I don’t even cry at movies. The only movies I have cried during were Steel Magnolias, Step Mom and that stupid Benjamin Buttons shit.

During the movie, my husband liked to point out that The Hobbit dwarves are what real dwarves should look like (say what?!). He continued, “not like those dwarves on your dumb Once Upon a Time show, where the dwarves aren’t really dwarves at all. Dwarves shouldn’t be the same size as other people.” Bitch, please. The dwarves on Once Upon A Time are smaller people, it just so happens that Snow White (or the actress playing her, I should note) is like 5-feet tall, so it appears as if the dwarves are larger than they really are.

My husband also really enjoyed when the mountains turned into rock ‘em sock ‘em robots. There was a lot of squealing with delight during that scene, which, while visually cool, didn’t add much to the story in my opinion.

I almost forgot to mention how excited he was for the musical numbers in the movie. Oh yes, musical fans, I was delighted that within the first hour there were two musical numbers. I had high hopes this would continue throughout the movie, but it did not. Personally, there were a few scenes here and there that could have used some Broadway jazz.

Anyway, like I said, I actually quite enjoyed the movie, despite my plan of going into it with a full-on hate attitude. I can’t stand The Lord of the Rings movies at all, but for some reason I found The Hobbit to be fun and interesting. I liked all the characters as well. No offense, Elijah Wood, but I just really dig Martin Freeman soooo much more. He needs to be way more famous. Since I said I enjoyed the movie, my husband is now making me watch the first LOTR movie. Sigh. Yep, it is still the worst and, seriously, Gandalf is always #&%^ing high…

Kacie Baum is a professional partier, mother of two pugs, and the wife of Matt Baum. She tolerates the constant presence of the Two-Headed Nerd in her home each week. She did not write this bio. Pre-THN entries of Girl Meets Nerd can be found here.