Have you ever looked up the lyrics to a song and been completely blown away by their ridiculousness? I highly suggest you look up Sisqo’s “The Thong Song” because REALLY!? That man made so much bank over something a 12-year-old could’ve written. So yes, what I’m saying is, I’m mad jealous I didn’t think of it first.
I had an incident this weekend involving a thong that I thought I would share with you all. Why? Well since my husband is still out of town, I haven’t had to watch any nerd movies, hear any nerd tales or watch him plunge half his body into the fish tank (ummm, so I think I lost a fish. Can you lose a fish? Because this shithead is MIA. It’s not like he can Little Mermaid himself out of the tank and grow some damn $%@*ing legs, so there’s only one place he can be. I’ve decided that he died and the other fish ate him. I mean, that is the only possible thing that could’ve happened), aka shit’s been super normal. So I was thankful when this went down.
In my hottest, most sexy outfit of red fleece sweatpants (spoiler alert: THEY DO EXIST) and a grey fleece zip-up (best $9 ever spent), I strolled into Wohlner’s (a local grocery store) on Sunday afternoon ready to pick up some items for the week. I was the only person there to check out, so I handed the male cashier my reusable bag (live green, y’all) and let him begin to empty and scan the contents. Mild curry paste, lemon, cinnamon, frosted flakes (what? It’s the pugs’ favorite)…finally he gets to bottom of the bag and it happens. He holds up this unusual looking item. It appears that it’s not food, and is made of satin and lace. It still has a tag on it. He scans it. Nothing. He looks perplexed as he holds it up in the air to examine all sides of it. You know when a dog tilt its head when you are talking to it all “huh” like? Yeah, that’s what he was doing. Finally, he turns to me and says, “And this?”
Side note: I obviously was not paying any attention to what was happening at all. I was too busy wondering what sweetness I should wear to the Opera that afternoon because I’m so $%@*ing cultured. End side.
I look up at him, and nonchalantly reply, “Oh that? Well, that appears to be the thong I bought at target four weeks ago.”
Him: “Yeah, I was stumped because I didn’t think we sold these here.” STILL HOLDING IT UP EXAMINING IT LIKE IT’S A $%@*ING FOSSIL.
Me: “Well, at least they haven’t been worn. Bonus? You can just put them back in the bag.”
The cashier laughed and put them back in the bag with the rest of my items. I paid and laughed the whole way out of the store. He could barely look at me. It was amazing on so many levels.
I probably should’ve been embarrassed by this whole situation. I’m beginning to wonder if anything really could embarrass me in my old (hahahaha, old, please) age here. If not a thong being man handled like it was some sort of alien object by the cashier at the neighborhood grocery, then what?
Kacie Baum is a professional partier, mother of two pugs, and the wife of Matt Baum. She tolerates the constant presence of the Two-Headed Nerd in her home each week. She did not write this bio. Pre-THN entries of Girl Meets Nerd can be found here.